Let Freedom Ring B*tches!

So today was momma's first day of not working for the man, and I gotta tell you--momma like, momma like.

I got up at 7, got the rug rat ready, dropped his ass off at daycare, got my Starbucks on, and then ran my flabby ass around the hood. After all that jazz I ran some errands, got a massage and cooked up some yummy dinner. That's how you do it kids, just like that.

I dropped by the danger zone (aka Target) to pick up some goodies and found some kick ass stuff for the rug rats new room. Now that he is a kid and not so much a baby, we thought it was time to upgrade his ass and hook him up with some ikea shit.
$500 later, we have a tone of boxes all over our house, and rug rat has the same fucking room.

Speaking of Target. Have I mentioned I fucking hate people? Seriously. It aggravates me to no end how just any fucktard can pop out a dozen kidlets and expect my ass (my husband's ass) to pay for them to stay alive.

I had just entered Target and I see these too little UGLY bratty ass (chubby) kids RUNNING and SCREAMING up and down the aisles with what looked like grandma yelling "COME HERE! STOP RUNNING" with tears in her eyes. That little shits kept running right into me and almost knocked the kombucha out my hand. After watching the grandma desperately trying to catch up to them I said "hey, slow down, you are in a store and you should be respectful." Out of nowhere free Willy came stomping and said "we got them, they just got away, mind your own business!" Momma quickly looked around to try to find who that whale was talking to, because I know it was not me. Wait a fucking minute, I am the only one here. Her LARGE, I am talking LARGE, ass went stomping trying to catching her little shitheads, which kept running away from her and "grandma."

May I have a moment please? I typically do not involve myself with other folks business, HOWEVER, if you ugly ass kids are going to invade my personal shopping experience and almost knock my $3.59 kombucha out of my head, it is my mother****** business. I had a Bad Girls Club moment real quick, but then brought it back to level 2.

The point of my story is, if you can't catch your kids, get on a diet and tie that shit in a knot. The world does not need any more rotten kids running around.

It's been a pleasure working with you..

The conversation went a little something like this...

ring, ring, ring

"Hello"

"Hey, I heard you were leaving. When is your last day?"

"Friday"

"I hate to ask this from you before you leave, but can you do me a favor?"

" I am super swamped right now. Can this wait till next week? Call me Monday and I will get it all wrapped up for you."

"No problem. Good luck, it's been nice working with you."

"Thanks"

Another genius at my company...

Can you please stop eating your own shit?

What the fuck is going on???? Our puppy Jet, is obsessed with eating his own shit. I have watched dogs puke then clean up their mess, which sometimes I wish my son would do. Wouldn't be nice if when your kid puked all over the fucking place including down your shirt, if they got up and cleaned it all up before you had to stumble your tired ass down the stairs? As much as Jet repulses me, I think he is on to something.

Jet went from being a chill sweet dog (like the first week) to the biggest regret of the decade. We have bowls, I am talking multiple bowls of dog food sprinkled all over this fucking place, yet he chooses to snack on his own shit. It depends on his mood if he wants fresh turd or Cajun style shit log. It would be one thing if he would have his afternoon snack outside, but the little asshole decides to track it through the house and on our custom area rug. 2,000 sq ft of concrete and another 1,500 of wood and tile, and he picks the area rug in the living room. He looks at me with that fuck you face while i chase his ass around the living room. Is it possible that even my dog, which was homeless a few months back even hates me? My personal favorite moment is when he digs my kids dirty diapers out of the trash in the nano second it is on the ground. What the hell? I mean seriously. How can your OWN shit be that tasty? If it is as good as he acts like it is, maybe we can cure world hunger if everyone ate their own turds. It is so fucking disgusting. I just spent the last 15 minutes yelling at Jet to drop the turd out of his mouth. It's like I am doing you a favor here buddy, trust me that toasty turd will not do wonders for that figure of yours. I wonder if it is like eating double calories on the way out. It is just so odd to me how any animal can find that tasty.

The best part of the whole thing, is after he eats his deuce from the afternoon he runs up and licks my child's face. Just lovely. Please lick me next you grubby asshole. Is it wrong to want to leave the front door open and act surprised when he vanishes? I love animals, but this little fuckers days are numbered....

Time to get my shit together

Ok kids, momma is back. I know it's bee awhile, and yes I know every time I make grand promises--but this time I am sticking to my grand plan. I WILL post once a week. Just watch me work it.

So BIG news. Someone quit their shit job. Wanna guess who? Go on ahead. Yeah that's right. Freedom looks good on me.

I am going to work for the hubby and his business and try to act like an adult. :)

Here's the deal..I am going to blog a little more honest, dirty and out of control, as if I were there in live form. If you don't like it--go read some Midwest rejects knitting blog and F* off. I will not censor my feelings or language anymore. Sensitive NO more. How you like them apples?

So I am still trying to lose those 10 lbs. It's almost a joke with myself at this point. Every Monday is the "day" and every Tuesday is filled with regret and self hate. I convinced myself with a more flexible schedule I can finally get this flabby shit body of mine back in shape...must not let the wine distract me...

I have been meaning to blog about Project Runway (PR), but this season bored me to tears and Mila's fucking ugly mug annoys me so much; I can't muster the energy to type. Emilio should win, end of story.
Still loving Modern Family and a few others...but obviously I don't LOVE them otherwise I would actually remember the show names.

Ok--momma has got to get her drink on and enjoy my 5 minutes of peace and quiet before my husband comes banging shit around and wakes up my devil spawn.

TTFN