did you really just prank call me?

Ladies and gents,

I got prank called this weekend. Yes I know, it took me back..way back. I felt young again, more like 14.

About 11:00pm my cell rang from a "restricted" number. I answered not thinking anything of it and was greeted by Brittany from "Scottsdale." i don't know about you but I usually just say my name, not my place of residence. Brittany found my name in her boyfriend's phone and wanted to know who i was. She said she knew i was from the bay and her boyfriend was from Scottsdale. Well Brittany it seems like you know who I am already, unless your boyfriend is a bigger douche than you and listed me as Jordana from the bay in his phone. Brittany continued on stressing where everyone was from and when I asked who her boyfriend was she said "Brian" i was like ok, Brian who? Brittany answered "Brian Fontana." My response, " I have no idea who the fuck that is, please don't call me again." Brittany said "you should watch TV then."

Is there a famous actor named Brian Fontana I am unaware of? Never heard of him, maybe he is up and coming. My fav part of the whole call was that they thought they were being funny. I was like are we 12 here?

I know this wasn't a great entry, but I had to share...

Congrats Jim & Pam!

I know they aren't real people, but it sure felt like it last night!
I was so happy when Jim proposed to Pam, I just about cried. I don't think I have been happier for anyone getting engaged.

Awww the Office, I am so glad you are back. :)

Kenley, why are you such a skank?

For those of you who watch Project Runway can you please explain to me why Kenley is such a dirty skank??


I hate everything about her.Her ugly headbands, those big dead bird wings she glues to her head and her white-trash teeth. She is so impressed with herself its literally amazing to me. I mean only 21, she must know everything. When all you can make is I love lucy dresses, I guess you are the real deal.

My fav Kenley moment is when she is assigned to make Leann, the nerd from Portland into a hip-hop diva..I could have died. While everyone tried to explain what hip hop was to this white chick stuck in the 50's she insisted she had it nailed. She even had the balls to tell Tim Gunn he had no idea what hip-hop was. OK NO one talks back to Tim Gunn, no one!
She seriously (and this is not a joke) said her outfit was very Alicia Keys. I just about died. Since when is the piano playing half white girl the Hip Hop authority? I couldn't stand it. I know when I think hip-hop, I think Mariah Carey..all the way. Not anyone like Missy Elloitt, Jay-Z, Lil Kim, I mean Celine Dion is more hip-hop than Kenley. Leann looked like Alicia Silverstone in the movie The Babershop. NOT cute. Kenley, grew a sack at judging and argued with Nina Garcia and Michael Kors, oh no you didn't.Bitch you are as good as died to the gay community! She has also been quoted saying "if I hear Heidi (Klum) talking nonsense, I will set her straight." I am sorry, remind me who is the multi-millionaire and who is the broke bitch on project runway? When Heidi questions the height of your boobs in your dress, you answer her, not correct her! I cannot look at another floral, 50's dress with twill.
Someone please help me understand why I am forced to hear this snaggle tooth bitch another week?


SOMEONE, ANYONE, Tell me how this is hip hop, help a white girl out!

A Mother's Revenge

When I was a little I used to act out, a lot. My mother would always say "the best revenge will be when you have your own children." Of course I would roll my eyes and tell her I wasn't having kids and that I hated her. You know, typical tweenie behavior.

Now that I am a mother I see what she was saying. Don't get me wrong, Stone is a GREAT kid, but even great kids have those days. Its like a guessing game each day. What will he want to eat today, is it his teeth, his stomach or is he just trying to piss me off? This morning has been rough. My kid has teeth coming through every day it seems. I have never seen a 1 yr old with so many damn teeth. Just as we get one set through, the next day another one starts pushing. I really thought I would want to be a stay at home mom, you know "raise my own child." But after doing it for most of his life I know now, that I like to work. Its overwhelming and lonely being a mom. Trying to do anything is impossible. Showering is a luxury and eating a normal meal is a thing of the past. I have no idea how my friends Tracie and Jackie stay at home with TWO kids. I can't even manage my 1, and they have TWO. They are my heroes, right after Kathy Griffin of course. :)

This morning started with slapping everything out of my hand, pulling my hair...crying and screaming for breakfast then proceeding to feed it to the dog while smiling at me and screaming. Then he wanted to play, but I had to watch him play. the minute I even turned my head he would scream and hit my leg. Then his favorite show The Backyardigns came on, which usually keeps him glued to the TV for 30 minutes, umm no. I had to sit next to him and watch it together. He kept looking at me to make sure I was watching. is it possible that a 1yr old could be so controlling? There are times I want to give the dog a diaper bag and shove them both outside and pray they survive. I want to sleep in without having to be up every hour the night before. I want to go out in public without Stone dropping a nasty shit, EVERY time. Is this too much to ask?

So mom, you were right. You have gotten your revenge. And one day...Stone will have his own kids, and I will make sure I get mine. The circle of life!

I'm backkk!

Ok bitches, I am back.
It's been awhile I know, but I have been busy. Believe it or not being unemployeed gives me less free time. As you all know having a job gives you more internet &%$# off time.
Its been a busy few months, I lost my job, Stone turned 1, I went to San Diego and Portland for a little vaca.
I finally got a new job I start in October which I am so ready to start.
I am still on a hopeless quest to lose weight but think I finally have it somewhat under control. I am still exhausted beyond belief and still hate people, so looks like nothing has changed. There is so much I can discuss but I think I will just stick to the most annoying thing that has happened to me lately.

Yes, you guessed it, it starts with a trip to Starbucks. So as you all remember I do the drive thru starbucks cause I usually have the kiddo with me. For some reason that drive through speaker thing makes people turn into total fucking idiots. To be clear I have never worked at Starbucks, I have learned their cult language through years of throwing $5/day down the drain. This is their language not mine.
So I pull up to the speaker and some annoying voice comes shouting through "GOOD MORNING! THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING STARBUCKS AT 44TH STREET AND THOMAS, THIS CARRIE WHAT CAN I GET STARTED FOR YOU THIS MORNING?" Is there a reason she needs to yell at me? I speak english. Its first thing in the morning, I obviously have not had my coffee yet, so what the hell makes her think I want to be greeted with her overly joyful ass. And Carrie thanks for pointing out which location I chose. I was slightly confused where i had driven myself to. Thank god I have you to help guide me through the city I live in.
So I order my drink "tripple, grande, non fat, 130 degree latte" as usual she wants to repeat my order to me 10 times to make sure I know what I ordered and are still ok with it. Then I get, now let me type that in? What??? What do you mean let you type it in. Were you not doing it the 3 times you said my order back to me. She gets it right 3 times, but when it comes to typing it in...oh jesus help me.
"So that's a grade, non fat, vanilla 180 degree latte?"
UMMM NO, NOT even fucking close!!!! After a minute or two repeating my order as if she were a chinese tourist we finally got things squared away. So I zip over to the window, and there she is. Bad perm and all. And yes, she already has her Halloween buttons on her apron, oh goodie.
"how are you this morning? It's a hot one today huh?"
Ok Carrie, let's get a few things straight. We are not girlfriends, nor will we ever be. So I could careless how you are or if you care how I am. Secondly, if you would shut the f* up and make my coffee I would be a lot better. Thirdly, we live in Arizona, its September. ITS HOT EVERY DAY!!!!!

I finally get my coffee, do you think it was right?? No of course not. Why does the world hate my so much????

Anyway, that's it for now. I will post on a weekly/bi weekly basis, keep checking back.
xoxo