A constant let down..

I know I keep saying I will be back on my game, then I fail you again.

I have been really busy, and uninspired lately. Nothing interesting has happened to me and rather bore you to tears rambling about how cute my kid is and how fat I am...I decided the silence was better.

The only funny thing I have to offer you is that I will be prancing around in a bikini for a week in Maui. Now that is some funny shit.

The Hub and I are going to see his parents in Colorado with the spawn, then ditching his evil ass with the in-laws while we live it up in Maui. I get to go from Maui to the bay to see my friends and do Gaga with my mom. (yes my mom loves Gaga) while the hub has to fly back and get the spawn. It sounds a lot more exciting when I shop for cute shit to wear on my trips than when I just typed it for you. Sorry.

So this means I will be in vacation mode for 3 weeks, so no posts. Sorry.

I will try to come back with some good stories or pictures of myself with Dog the Bounty Hunter.

Ta-ta bitches!

I get it...you hate Arizona

Well F*ck you!!

I didn't realize how much everyone hates Arizona till this past month when I traveled to different parts of California two weekends in a row. Everytime I got carded, I got a nasty look and some smart ass comment like "do you want to see my papers?" Listen here fucktard. You are white!! So unless there is some random part of Mexico that breads hick white trash, I am pretty sure we are good.

So as I am sure all of you know, AZ passed a new immigration law recently that allows law enforcement to request documentation of legal residency if pulled over for a traffic violation. Let's clarify here. There is NOT a line of 40 cop cars waiting for every gardener in Phoenix to whip into Home Depot so they can zing them. And let's just call it is what it is. If you are in a truck, with 5 guys piled in the back, with a leaf blower AND you are in the Home Depot lot...isn't kind of your own fault? I am just saying....

I may joke, but I can say I don't care, nor do I support, or not support the new law. It is what it is. So assholes in Cali, I did NOT create the law or pass it nor do I enforce it--so back the fuck off and get momma her juice.

Every country, state and town has their own laws, some good and some bad. You don't see Italy shipping back Americans that are suspected of murder on purely circumstancial evidence do you? You don't see China treating American reporters with the highest level of kindness, DO YOU??? And you sure as hell do NOT receive an overwhelming amount of respect when you go to Mexico and support their econmy do you???? I think not bitches. I can't even get Rosa at the taco stand to crack a smile. Everywhere is fucked up. Not just AZ. AZ has a 100 other reasons why it sucks, this just being one of them at the middle of the list.

If you are so worried about the law, then here is some advice. If you ain't legal don't drive like an asshole, don't make yourself obvious (I am talking to you snake skin boot guy at Home Depot) and DO NOT sit in the back of a truck with 5 other guys and no seat belt. That is called a traffic violation my friend. That will get your ass capped.

Flattered...but not me :(

Today my friend Jennifer sent me this article asking if I had written it. After breezing through it, I was sadden and outraged that I had not!!! It made me realize that I need to apply to post for the Onion and that my child should NOT be given ho ho's.

Enjoy, and think of me!

What Mother's day means to me

Mother's day for some is about the family gatherings, hallmark cards and bunches of flowers everywhere. For me, Mother's day is a day to be left the FUCK ALONE!!!
Fuck the family time and long drawn out brunches. Give me a bottle of wine and a hotel room to myself and don't call unless someone is dead.

No crying, shit, piss, bathtime, making dinner and the constant screaming of "MOMMY!!!!"

My favorite part of this made up holiday is to be left alone and have the ability to say "It's mommy's day, now go away."
My plan for Sunday is to make my calls to all the moms, grab breakfast with the hub and the spawn, and take off to MY hotel room for the night. For those of you who find that weird...you don't have kids, so your opinion doesn't matter.

The only shit part of this, is Father's day is right around the corner and payback is a major bitch!

Let Freedom Ring B*tches!

So today was momma's first day of not working for the man, and I gotta tell you--momma like, momma like.

I got up at 7, got the rug rat ready, dropped his ass off at daycare, got my Starbucks on, and then ran my flabby ass around the hood. After all that jazz I ran some errands, got a massage and cooked up some yummy dinner. That's how you do it kids, just like that.

I dropped by the danger zone (aka Target) to pick up some goodies and found some kick ass stuff for the rug rats new room. Now that he is a kid and not so much a baby, we thought it was time to upgrade his ass and hook him up with some ikea shit.
$500 later, we have a tone of boxes all over our house, and rug rat has the same fucking room.

Speaking of Target. Have I mentioned I fucking hate people? Seriously. It aggravates me to no end how just any fucktard can pop out a dozen kidlets and expect my ass (my husband's ass) to pay for them to stay alive.

I had just entered Target and I see these too little UGLY bratty ass (chubby) kids RUNNING and SCREAMING up and down the aisles with what looked like grandma yelling "COME HERE! STOP RUNNING" with tears in her eyes. That little shits kept running right into me and almost knocked the kombucha out my hand. After watching the grandma desperately trying to catch up to them I said "hey, slow down, you are in a store and you should be respectful." Out of nowhere free Willy came stomping and said "we got them, they just got away, mind your own business!" Momma quickly looked around to try to find who that whale was talking to, because I know it was not me. Wait a fucking minute, I am the only one here. Her LARGE, I am talking LARGE, ass went stomping trying to catching her little shitheads, which kept running away from her and "grandma."

May I have a moment please? I typically do not involve myself with other folks business, HOWEVER, if you ugly ass kids are going to invade my personal shopping experience and almost knock my $3.59 kombucha out of my head, it is my mother****** business. I had a Bad Girls Club moment real quick, but then brought it back to level 2.

The point of my story is, if you can't catch your kids, get on a diet and tie that shit in a knot. The world does not need any more rotten kids running around.

It's been a pleasure working with you..

The conversation went a little something like this...

ring, ring, ring

"Hello"

"Hey, I heard you were leaving. When is your last day?"

"Friday"

"I hate to ask this from you before you leave, but can you do me a favor?"

" I am super swamped right now. Can this wait till next week? Call me Monday and I will get it all wrapped up for you."

"No problem. Good luck, it's been nice working with you."

"Thanks"

Another genius at my company...

Can you please stop eating your own shit?

What the fuck is going on???? Our puppy Jet, is obsessed with eating his own shit. I have watched dogs puke then clean up their mess, which sometimes I wish my son would do. Wouldn't be nice if when your kid puked all over the fucking place including down your shirt, if they got up and cleaned it all up before you had to stumble your tired ass down the stairs? As much as Jet repulses me, I think he is on to something.

Jet went from being a chill sweet dog (like the first week) to the biggest regret of the decade. We have bowls, I am talking multiple bowls of dog food sprinkled all over this fucking place, yet he chooses to snack on his own shit. It depends on his mood if he wants fresh turd or Cajun style shit log. It would be one thing if he would have his afternoon snack outside, but the little asshole decides to track it through the house and on our custom area rug. 2,000 sq ft of concrete and another 1,500 of wood and tile, and he picks the area rug in the living room. He looks at me with that fuck you face while i chase his ass around the living room. Is it possible that even my dog, which was homeless a few months back even hates me? My personal favorite moment is when he digs my kids dirty diapers out of the trash in the nano second it is on the ground. What the hell? I mean seriously. How can your OWN shit be that tasty? If it is as good as he acts like it is, maybe we can cure world hunger if everyone ate their own turds. It is so fucking disgusting. I just spent the last 15 minutes yelling at Jet to drop the turd out of his mouth. It's like I am doing you a favor here buddy, trust me that toasty turd will not do wonders for that figure of yours. I wonder if it is like eating double calories on the way out. It is just so odd to me how any animal can find that tasty.

The best part of the whole thing, is after he eats his deuce from the afternoon he runs up and licks my child's face. Just lovely. Please lick me next you grubby asshole. Is it wrong to want to leave the front door open and act surprised when he vanishes? I love animals, but this little fuckers days are numbered....

Time to get my shit together

Ok kids, momma is back. I know it's bee awhile, and yes I know every time I make grand promises--but this time I am sticking to my grand plan. I WILL post once a week. Just watch me work it.

So BIG news. Someone quit their shit job. Wanna guess who? Go on ahead. Yeah that's right. Freedom looks good on me.

I am going to work for the hubby and his business and try to act like an adult. :)

Here's the deal..I am going to blog a little more honest, dirty and out of control, as if I were there in live form. If you don't like it--go read some Midwest rejects knitting blog and F* off. I will not censor my feelings or language anymore. Sensitive NO more. How you like them apples?

So I am still trying to lose those 10 lbs. It's almost a joke with myself at this point. Every Monday is the "day" and every Tuesday is filled with regret and self hate. I convinced myself with a more flexible schedule I can finally get this flabby shit body of mine back in shape...must not let the wine distract me...

I have been meaning to blog about Project Runway (PR), but this season bored me to tears and Mila's fucking ugly mug annoys me so much; I can't muster the energy to type. Emilio should win, end of story.
Still loving Modern Family and a few others...but obviously I don't LOVE them otherwise I would actually remember the show names.

Ok--momma has got to get her drink on and enjoy my 5 minutes of peace and quiet before my husband comes banging shit around and wakes up my devil spawn.

TTFN

The constant cycle of piss and shit

Hello, hello, hello...

So the holidays are over and I am 5lbs heavier and more in debt than I was 2 months ago. With the holidays and new year, I think we all look at our lives and try to find ways to improve it. One area of my personal life that has become neglected is our beloved dog Lexi. Lexi, who was once known as "Sexy Lexi" has really let herself go. I would look at her and think, "god girl, why have you let yourself put on all that weight?" Oh wait, that's my fault...shit. Lexi came into our lives with a live in pal, Chubs. Once 4 became 5 and Stone joined the family, Chubs wasn't not feeling it. Out of love for Chubs and our child we had to find Chubs a new home. (which by the way he is a king in his new pad, so I think we did the right thing)

Of course once we found Chubs a new home we (being my husband and I) made the commitment to spend more time with Lexi, yada, yada, yada...
With life, work, being a parent, time quickly slips away and before you know it the clock has hit 10PM and the life has been sucked out of you. Over the last year Lexi has really lost her spunky overly chipper personality and has become an old lazy chubby mut. All our fault.

After feeling the pressure from our sitter who often watches Lexi for us, we decided to get another dog. Because puppy mills and breeders piss me off, I will ONLY adopt or rescue a mut in need. I quickly started searching through non profit rescues and looking at their inventory of little fuzzy friends that needed homes. Not sure if the holiday spirit got to everyone but there were NO dogs available at the golden or lab rescue. NOT to mention it is close to impossible to get anyone to call you back. After feeling frustrated and annoyed, I turned to Craigslist. I remembered when we took in an abandoned dog Rocky, we were able to find him a great home on craigslist. So I thought, maybe there is a Rocky out there for us? A few caught my eye, but I was really trying to resist the puppy route. Between Stone and my every day life, the last thing i wanted to do was pick up more shit all day. My husband however, wanted that cute fluffy puppy...

We found an adorable 12 week old little 1/2 boxer/ 1/2 German Sheapard and just fell in love. About 10 minutes after meeting her, we agreed there was no need to search any longer. Nevermind that fact that the owner was planning on dropping her at the humane society that week if she couldn't find her a home. In my eyes, we just rescued a dog from being placed in a cage and possibly never placed in a home.

Lucy was great!! She slept through the night, loved Lexi, was great with Stone...
Then it happened. The first shit dropped and it hasn't stopped sense. As my husband complains about having to pick up piss and shit and constantly having to take shoes out of her mouth. I kindly, with love of course, remind him that he was the one who wanted a puppy. I was perfectly fine with an adult dog.

As I was picking up a big steamy piece of dog shit by the sliding door which was open, it hit me, my life is a constant cycle of shit and piss.