losing steam...

So I got a job..yipppeee

I should be excited to go back to work but I feel discouraged. Between my self image issues and my thyroid problem taking over my whole body I feel like I am losing steam.
The good news is we found a nanny I like a lot. She was very friendly, a little crazy, but very real.

Once I posted the ad for a nanny I received a TON of emails..including this one, that I just HAVE to share. I mean is this girl crazy? I mean who writes such a long email? What 18 year talks like this????
No i didn't hire her..

Subject line: Mary Poppins looking for the right family

This is exactly what I have been looking for! I am an 18 year old student attending PVCC and have just taken the semester off to try and get more stable (financially) and figure out what exactly I would like to major in. I was attending to get my associates in applied science. I plan to be a firefighter. Which means yes I have taken hazardous materials courses, cpr, first aid classes and can provide you with certificates to show I have completed the courses. I love children and have babysat all through my younger years and worked in a Christian based preschool when I was 17. There I led the one's class which included some twos who weren't just quite ready to move up :). In the afternoons I took over the school agers class and LOVED it. I adore baby's to death but really am intrigued by school agers. It reminds me to enjoy every bit of life and how much their little minds do absorb. Children are our future and I am excited to see what this generation will bring. I have younger brother who has just turned 10 years old and truly inspires me to do my best in everything I do. I want to be a great role model to not just him but any children I come in to contact with, to really make them believe anything they dream can become a reality. I guess this thinking has played a huge role in my career choice I want to help and do my part as much as any one person can. I am currently living at home with my parents and younger brother and our three dogs (I failed to mention I am also a huge animal lover!). I did attempt the living on my own thing for about six months and disappointed to share I failed slightly. I wasn't ready financially and I believe this is because I couldn't find a job I was happy at. I want to be appreciated at my work place and really feel I am making a difference and helping. Working with children is the only time I have ever felt significant and helpful and I like to think I made those children feel the same. I show them they are important and loved no matter what and are the key to all of our smiles :) . I would love to meet you and your children and assure you if I am chosen to work for your family I will establish a relationship with the children that will keep me their for as long as you will let me. I hate to see children being bounced around and would never want them to feel as if they were not good enough for me and I left them. I know it will not take long to establish a connection, children are the sweetest most loving people and I want them to know they can feel that towards me and I will cherish it and never take advantage of it. I know children aren't angels at every moment of everyday I have definitely learned from them and my patience has grown tremendously. They love to test, especially your patience and have learned thats okay they are kids! I hope to learn more about yourself and your children and to be considered as a caretaker for your children. I do have my own transportation and am okay with picking up children or using my vehicle to go out and get anything for you when needed. I really want to make a difference and if that includes taking some weight off your shoulders than I am the one for you. I look forward to hearing back from you and if you have any other questions for me please feel free to call or email back. Thank You

ugggghhhh where are my fries??

Ok, so I know I supposed to be on a "diet." What ever the fuck that means...
Seriously what is a diet??? It seems like everyone is always on a diet. Getting a diet coke with your burger and fries is not being on a diet. So as expected my diet lasted all of a week after the new year. As usual I was craving crap and after watching 3 burger king commercials in a 5 minute period I decided a whopper sounded yummy.
I back up the kiddo and drive my chunky self to BK and order up a #2, no mayo, no pickles with a coke. I get my bag and I get my coke and off I go.

Hmmmm I sure bet some fries on the way home would be lovely. Wait what the fuck? Where are my FRIES!!! I didn't check the bag and sure enough that dumb ass forgot my fries!! Even the tag on my bag said 1 whopper, 1 med fries, 1 med coke. WTF???
I was so outraged and disappointed all at the same time. Although she probably did me a favor by leaving out the fries I was still really pissed.

So to make everything right I went to Mc Donald's today, and yes I got fries..

Will you continue to rock my world???

Oh Bret. What happened?
Not that it ever was right, but where did it all go wrong??
I was really looking forward to Rock of Love 2 since Miss New York went off and got engaged.
Could you not have mustered up 20 hotter girls?? Aren't things supposed to improve the 2nd time around? WTF?? I feel like I contracted herpes just watching the season premiere. I am sorry but did you really say you had a spiritual connection with Frenchie??? Bret, please..for the love of mankind please get your eyes checked. I think the ability to see better will help you think clearly with the correct head. I am very concerned that you could get in a sword fight with her if you know what I mean...

Looking for love?? Considering you are old enough to be my father and have had way more years of being a scum bag then I. One bit of advice. Sucking face with 16 disgusting tramps will not help you find love. Shying away from the ONE GIRL who didn't titty slap you, probably not wise. You get my drift here?? Stripper dance challenges...umm not really going to attract the good ones. You following me?

The wig. Katie, why did you ruin this for me?? I used to only obsess over the heavy amounts of eyeliner and now Miss Katie felt the need to draw to my attention to Bret's wig. So now all I can do is watch and hope it falls off one drunken night.

New York may have had fake hair. But she was loud and proud about it. Bret, there is nothing to be proud about.

One last thing. You have a 2 year old daughter. This is season 2. You figure it takes 4 months or so to film, then edit and get on TV. Then it drags out for 4-5 months on TV. I am not expert, but if you do the math correctly he was already working with VH1 while his baby momma was still with child. Lovely....

WRONG NUMBER!!!

Why do people feel the need to argue with you when they have the wrong number???
Like you aren't sure who you are or what your number is.
Some guy called asking for Joanne. Clearly not being me. He then asked "Joanne Baker?"
Umm no sorry buddy, wrong number.
"Do you raise cats?" Umm definitely NOT me.
"Are you sure?" Pretty sure.
"hmm is your number 480 xxx-xxxx?" Nope not even close.
"Are you sure, I know i dialed it right." Not unless someone switched up the numbers on your phone to be cute, yes I am sure.
"So this isn't Joanne Baker the cat breeder?"
FOR THE LAST TIME WRONG F'N NUMBER!!!!!

Fluffy's revenge!

I had my first interview yesterday and as suggested by the hiring manager we met at a local coffee shop. I arrived about 20 minutes early as I usually do to rule out any risk of me being late. Since the weather is finally under 70 degrees here I decided to wait out front. I noticed a light grey Camry sitting right in front of me with a little dog in it scratching at the window and jumping around inside. I also noticed that not one window was cracked. First thing that came to mind is; what asshole decided to leave his dog in the car while he enjoys a latte???
LEAVE THE DOG AT HOME!!! Lesson people. Dogs do NOT enjoy being out of the house if it means them being locked in a car!! All they do is bark at people passing by and get anxiety!! If you plan on making long stops leave Fluffy at home!!! I am not sure what kind of dog it was but it looked like this guy below. (w/o the outfit of course!)



So after standing there for about 15 minutes a couple with a young daughter come out of the coffee shop and head over to the Camry. Granted I do not speak Spanish, I pretty much was able to gather pretty quickly what the man was saying. As he reaches for the door handle he yells "OH NOOOO!!!" and some other Spanish words. The woman opens the door and yells.
I immediately bust out laughing.
After a few minutes of pacing around shaking his head and the woman yelling "BAD DOG!"
The trunk pops. A roll of paper towels and a trash bag come out...
YES, people Fluffy shit in the car and tracked it all over the seats. Did I mention they had tan cloth seats???
I couldn't help it. I laughed the entire time. The dog ran up to me and started jumping on my leg. I patted her head and said good girl. The guy gave me a dirty look and continued yelling in Spanish.
I looked at the woman as she continued punishing the dog and said "next time you may want to leave the dog at home or at least crack the windows." Of course I received a nasty look and they piled into the car and drove away. Within seconds the guy I was meeting pulled up and all I could think was how badly I wanted to say "GUESS WHAT I JUST WITNESSED?"
My better judgment or as Sister Patterson would say my "third eye" told me it was not interview appropriate.

What have we all learned here?? Sometimes we all get shit on!

Ok who is the smart ass???

Who is the smart ass that posted a comment under the name "google?"
At least be confident enough to use your real name :)

Congrats Hillary!!

I usually make it a rule not to talk politics or religion cause it never turns out good. Since its my blog, I'll do what I want.

GO HILLARY!! And congrats on her New Hampshire win!!
I know there are a lot of Obama fans, and I hope its not cause of Oprah, but I guess yay for you too. I guess anyone is better than Bush at this point.


GO HILLARY!!!!

Why are you matching???

Ummm...
Can someone please explain to me why grown ass adults feel the need to dress like their spouse?? I am talking full on matchy match.
I mean its annoying enough with kids, but adults??? I am talking like in their 40's adults.

Its one thing to be like oh how cute me and my husband both wore blue today, how funny. But to actually have MATCHING Addidas tracksuits. I don't get it.
What is the purpose?? Is it if they forget who they are married to all they have to do is search for their twin? Was there a buy one get one free deal I missed?
I am so confused on this whole thing I am not even sure where I am going with this. All I could do was stare and play out every scenario how this could have happened in my head.
"Hey honey, lets mess with people all day by dressing the same, wouldn't that be funny?"

Please help me understand :(

Dear Santa,

Santa, I hate to sound ungrateful, but I think there was some sort of misunderstanding between us this year.

When I asked for a new body I was sort of referring to my pre-pregnancy body. It wasn't perfect by any means but it worked ok for me. The extra 5 pounds you gave me is really not working so well for me.

My muffin top is not very cute...not at all.
Now I know you put a lot of special thought into my gift but I was wondering if there was anyway I could perhaps exchange it for a slimmer waistline??
I think I was a fairly good girl this past year. I did bring a child into the world, doesn't that count for anything???

I know you are really busy so whenever you can make it by to pick up those 5 pounds and maybe take the additional 20 I am carrying, that would be highly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Jordana

NO WIRE HANGERS!!!!

I am mommy dearest!

I knew I was a little psycho with Stone but I have realized lately that I am mommy dearest.
I am going to be that mom. The one who dresses my kid in full hockey padding when he goes to school so he doesn't suffer any bumps or bruises.
My biggest fear is to be that mother in law. You know, the one my son's wife or my son's life partner (hey you never know) complains about me to all their friends. The one who gives awful gifts at Xmas and gives unwelcomed advice meant to be more of a direct order rather than an opinion.

I realized that I am a little crazy when I tell people who are watching Stone how to feed him. I swear I gave my mom step by step directions on how to make a bottle like I had invented the bottle the night before and are just introducing it to the world. She did raise two kids of her own. Why is it I feel like they didn't have all the cool stuff back then that we have now? It's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that my mom used the same bottles on me. I will never forget when my dad's girlfriend who is probably almost 60, said oh I used enafamil. Wait, wow they had that then?????

When my friend Paige watched Stone I had to walk her through the whole house explaining every single thing to her. At one point she asked "so the toilet, does it just flush like a normal toilet or is their a special way to do it?" Sadly, I almost responded till I realized she was mocking me.

There are times I even doubt my husband's ability to take care of his own son. I come home with the need to question every movement. "Did he poop?" Is like the key question. I want a full description and a rating.
Ok, let me explain the rating process. Stone had some tummy issues for awhile and was very backed up. After that whole experience I like to track his poops. So I ask for a rating of 1-10. 1 being a fart gone wrong. You know a little wet fart. And 10 being you almost puked while changing a diaper. With the rating I want a full description so we are clear on how successful his poo was. I know it sounds crazy. But when your kid doesn't shit for 2 days, you will use my rating system. Just wait.

The outfits. I swear my husband dresses Stone in the dark. Out of ALL the clothes this kid has, my husband will dress him in the most random thing. Even worse its not even the stuff on top. He has to dig for this shit. If I plan on leaving the house, I change him. Yes, its true. His look is important. You never know when he could be the next Olsen kid....

Oh and did I mention I hate when strangers tough him?? I feel like i need to soak him in Mr. Clean afterwards. Who know where their hands have been. Don't people know boundaries???

I give it about 10 years before I am yelling "NO WIRE HANGERS!!!"

Crap!! Sorry!

Ok folks,
As I read back over my postings I realize I have several typos. Please forgive me. I usually post during my whole 5 minute break I get from poopy diapers and getting pissed on. I will try to read over my blogs a bit better going forward. Try to make sense of my bulls**t and forgive the fact that I am not perfect. ( I know that is a hard pill to swallow!)

Jordana

ANTM??

What is it about America's Next Top Model that you can watch the same seasons over and over again and still be surprised? Is it Tyra's over dramatized eliminations? "There are 2 models left. But I only have one picture in my hands."

My husband asks every time "haven't you seen this episode like 100 times?" "Will you still be surprised?"

Sadly the answer is yes. Cycle 2 is on VH1 right now. They are playing all 9 cycles this week...
It's a sick game. 3 years ago I would have been hungover in bed right now. Not up at 7am after getting up at 4:30 am with my overly excited son. I swear my kid is in the best mood come the morning time. It makes me question if there was a switch at the hospital. My hubby and I are so not morning people. I want to be annoyed, but then Stone does something super cute and it makes it hard to be mad.

He did however shit on my hand today. And well, pissed on the wall and me AGAIN!!!
After awhile piss and shit on you becomes normal. I just laugh. I know I should never change him too soon, especially when he is still giving little pushes. When will I learn??

Anyway, back to ANTM. Go Yoanna, and F Camille.

Also, I added some of my fav links and blogs of friends of mine to my page. Feel free to check them out. They aren't as exciting as mine, but they are good enough to read. Hee heee hee

Startin off the New Year right!!!

Oh hell ya!!
My dreams have come true. Although it appears Miss Tiffany aka New York has gotten herself engaged to Taylor Made (does anyone even know his real name?), I have full confidence it won't last and season 3 is around the corner.
BUT, in the meantime I just found out my 2nd fav reality show ever Rock of Love is back!!! Let the bud light flow and the panties drop! Season 2 starts the 11th!!

Yay!!!