NO WIRE HANGERS!!!!

I am mommy dearest!

I knew I was a little psycho with Stone but I have realized lately that I am mommy dearest.
I am going to be that mom. The one who dresses my kid in full hockey padding when he goes to school so he doesn't suffer any bumps or bruises.
My biggest fear is to be that mother in law. You know, the one my son's wife or my son's life partner (hey you never know) complains about me to all their friends. The one who gives awful gifts at Xmas and gives unwelcomed advice meant to be more of a direct order rather than an opinion.

I realized that I am a little crazy when I tell people who are watching Stone how to feed him. I swear I gave my mom step by step directions on how to make a bottle like I had invented the bottle the night before and are just introducing it to the world. She did raise two kids of her own. Why is it I feel like they didn't have all the cool stuff back then that we have now? It's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that my mom used the same bottles on me. I will never forget when my dad's girlfriend who is probably almost 60, said oh I used enafamil. Wait, wow they had that then?????

When my friend Paige watched Stone I had to walk her through the whole house explaining every single thing to her. At one point she asked "so the toilet, does it just flush like a normal toilet or is their a special way to do it?" Sadly, I almost responded till I realized she was mocking me.

There are times I even doubt my husband's ability to take care of his own son. I come home with the need to question every movement. "Did he poop?" Is like the key question. I want a full description and a rating.
Ok, let me explain the rating process. Stone had some tummy issues for awhile and was very backed up. After that whole experience I like to track his poops. So I ask for a rating of 1-10. 1 being a fart gone wrong. You know a little wet fart. And 10 being you almost puked while changing a diaper. With the rating I want a full description so we are clear on how successful his poo was. I know it sounds crazy. But when your kid doesn't shit for 2 days, you will use my rating system. Just wait.

The outfits. I swear my husband dresses Stone in the dark. Out of ALL the clothes this kid has, my husband will dress him in the most random thing. Even worse its not even the stuff on top. He has to dig for this shit. If I plan on leaving the house, I change him. Yes, its true. His look is important. You never know when he could be the next Olsen kid....

Oh and did I mention I hate when strangers tough him?? I feel like i need to soak him in Mr. Clean afterwards. Who know where their hands have been. Don't people know boundaries???

I give it about 10 years before I am yelling "NO WIRE HANGERS!!!"