New Year Resolutions

In the spirit of the New Year I made a list of things I hope to accomplish this year. Assuming only 1 even has the slightest chance of making it through the end of January I figured I better make a long list.

1. To lose that extra 20 pounds that taunts me every time I get dressed.
2. Stop taking misplaced aggression out on my poor dogs.
3. To pet Chubs & Lexi at least once more each day.
4. To care what I look like when I leave the house.
5. To eat less junk food.
6. To stop pretending I don't eat junk food.
7. To be nicer to the dumb girl at Starbucks when she F's up my order.
8. To be happy with my body in it's current state.
9. To communicate with my husband without getting upset.
10. To be more patient with my mom.
11. To forgive old friends that may have hurt me in the past.
12. Stop complaining about how little sleep I get.
13. Read to Stone more.
14. Try to find a job I like doing, not just one I have to do.
15. To call my bay area friends more, just to say hi.
16. To not be such an angry driver.
17. Spend less money on crap I don't need.
18. Not to be jealous of people who look better and have nicer things than me.
19. Stop assuming everyone finds me witty and charming.
20. To be more sensitive about the things I say.
21. Aww fuck it, my friends are tough they can take it!!

Happy New Year!!

The expert on everything

Yes it is true..I am re-joining the work force. I had a year off to be pregnant and give birth now I must do what I was dreading and go back to corporate America.

This decision what not really mine, but I must face my destiny. I guess in my young & naive head I pictured greater things for myself. When I moved to Arizona over 3 years ago I was promised roses, and a better life. Yes now I own a home and are building another (well technically my husband does, but being married makes it half mine, right??) I have two faithful dogs and a son I adore with every once of my being. Well the past 3 years I took one odd job after another. One's I hate to even admit I had, and others I signed NDA's not to talk about. Every time I look for a "job" I always reflect back to California and when I worked at Intuit and how much I loved my job. I had a good position, I boss I loved, and fun co-workers that made work fun. The search to find that again has been long and disappointing.

While pregnant and several dead end assistant positions straight out of the Devil Wears Prada (but without all the cool clothes) I decided I needed a career change. After much thought and revisiting a high school dream I thought this is the perfect time to make a change. Cosmetology school seemed like the perfect career changing solution. Well that costs money and time, two things I do not have to spare. The hubby pretty much stomped on that within in seconds, but at least pretended to entertain the idea.

So here I am, 3 months post pregnancy, 20 pounds heavier, a resume with a big black hole and no direction. Oh did I mention it's the holidays??? yes for those of you who work in corporate America or have ever know what I mean. The 3 week December vacation, or going to work but really lunching and shopping. Yes I remember the drill. i like to think I partly made up the term slacking off. We all do it, and even better, when you get paid to do it. So here I am, trying to get a jobby job, at the worst time of the year. Ever! How can HR call me for an interview if they are all in Boston visiting their in-laws? Or how can my dream job be posted on monster.com if I am not budgeted till the 2nd quarter?? I know why, but for those who have never had the joy of cubicle hell, it's a lost cause.

Did you know Phoenix has one of the fastest growing job markets?? yeah, if you work in the restaurant industry or you are a call center rep, you are golden. Otherwise you are F***ed! And here's why. 50% of Phoenix is in real estate. Now listen closely. The real estate market is in the shitter. Realtors are gone for broke. So what do they all do??? Change careers. Take away perfectly good coffee fetching positions away from over qualified shmoo's like me. So what does Mr. Employer benefit from this you ask?? Lower wages. You won't work for 32k, well Mr. Last Year's top seller who is in foreclosure will. Buh bye.

I slowly get more and more depressed each time I click "apply."
The positions are things I did when I was 20 and the salaries are what I made at Bebe when I was 17. Not to mention the thought of 50% of my paycheck(if not more) going toward daycare makes me ill.
Which brings me to the little one. My finest accomplishment, baby Stone. Who I have grown to adore more than anything in life and who I can not imagine not having to lug around everywhere with me. So with all the stress of finding the perfect job in a month's time, I also have the pleasure of finding care for the little one.
Who other than me is fit to care for Stone? I can't imagine anyone else is.

Oh and the joy of restocking my stuffy work wardrobe. I am pretty sure those size 2 pants will no longer fit. Sometimes the world seems unfair. My girlfriend who had a baby just a month before me looks like she never even carried a child. Back in her pre-pregnancy clothes within weeks. Not to mention she was adorable pregnant. Why didn't I get dealt that card?? Given I had a crappy pregnancy and labor I think I deserved a kick back, don't you?? All I got was 20 extra pounds I can't shake and a thyroid condition and a cyst to boot. Lucky f'n me.
Maybe I can add that to my resume. What do you think? "20 extra pounds just means more of me to work and work extra hard to get your latte back to you before it has time to cool."

The worst is I live with the expert of everything. "There are a ton of jobs that pay well." "There is no reason why you shouldn't have one." " I read articles all the time that say how much the salaries have gone up in Phx."
Oh really??? Is that right?? Then perhaps the journalist who has never worked a corporate job a day in his life can help me find one of these high paying jobs?
Cause stupid me just keeps applying to all these jobs on monster, hotjobs and craigslist. He must have the golden ticket. Thank god for all of those newspaper articles to shed light on this crappy situation. Someone who has never been forced to sit in a cubicle and pick up dry cleaning should not be allowed to give job search advice. That is like me giving training seminars on how to do a tune up on a car.

Oh shit I just realized I wasted 7 whole minutes typing this that could have been spent looking for that great job. Gotta go.

Just another FAB day...

I don't know what it is about the holiday season that brings the worst out of people but I have noticed people really start to act like assholes from November thru the New Year. Maybe I misunderstood the point of Christmas but I thought it was the time to give and be cheerful??

There hasn't been one event that has drawn me to this conclusion but more of mish mash of events.

So I am at Target. The place is packed. Trying to be considerate, I leave my basket at the end of the aisle with my two items in the cart. The aisle was a big cluster fuck so I figured my cart would just throw it over the edge. I grabbed my items and started to head back to my cart. That is when I noticed a heavily perfumed woman take my stuff out of my cart while looking at me and place them on the end of the aisle and take my freaking cart. Are you kidding me???? I uttered "you're welcome bitch." I am sure she didn't hear me although I wish she would have. There was this brief moment when I actually thought about running up behind her and beating her with a dog bone. I just didn't think xmas in jail would be fun.

Cheesecake Factory...ok so it was really busy, day after xmas, lunch time in a mall. I get it. So I am holding my heavy ass kid in his car seat waiting my turn to give my name and get my little flashing pager. Then some jackass with too much hair gel comes strolling up and cuts right in front of me"how long for 6?" Meanwhile, Miss Too Much Eyeliner starts to complement my son. Like I don't know what she is doing. She was like 19, she could give a shit about kids. I know I hated kids at 19 and sometimes still do. (other people's of course) She was trying to distract me from what her dumb ass boyfriend was doing. I mean aren't I in the same catergory as an old person?? Doesn't having a baby give you some street credit in some way?

Driving along..I can't remember where I was going, but I do remember being annoyed. Some idiot text messaging decides to cut me off. Like scary, almost hit me cut me off. So I honk and throw my hands up. Like WTF? Natural reaction right? He did just put my and my son's life in danger. Idiot looks at me in the rear view mirror and flips me off and then moves over to the other lane to stick his hand out the window and flip me off again. Ok, how did I become the asshole in this situation??? I am so sorry Mister that my car was interfering with your text message. I am sure whatever you were trying your girlfriend was really urgent. Next time I will just run myself off the road.

I mean I guess this stuff could happen any other day, but it feels more freaquent around this time of year. Or maybe this just reconfirms that I hate people.

Note to self: do not take a job in customer service.

Congrats Michelle and Mel!!

I wanted to congratulate my old friend Michelle on her recent engagement.
I look forward to being drunk at your wedding :)

Love ya!

To thank you or not to thank you, that is the question

Ok, so in case you have not noticed I am the thank you card nazi. My mom was always strict about it being the "right thing" to do so its just in my blood.

Here is the question though..do you send a thank you card for a xmas gift??
Is a thank you email enough? Or what if you send a gift in return, does that count?
I just feel like xmas is the exception because you are expecting to give something. A birthday, baby shower, etc is something you more choose to do. Xmas has that obligation to send something. I am not really in the mood for thank you cards right now. With all the holiday cards flowing in the mall I know it just goes straight to the trash.

I feel if you have acknowledged the gift then that is good enough when it comes to xmas.

Another good question, when you send a thank you card for example thanking someone for letting you stay with them. Should they send a thank you card back for you coming out to visit?? Then doesn't it become a vicious cycle of thanking each other?
My friend Cassie has this thing down right. You don't send any cards and there is never an expectation from people to receive them.

Here is a virtual thank you for reading my blog. Thanks

worst gift ever

Please do not ever send anyone you even remotely like a Hickory Farms basket. It ends up in the trash.

A night with the band...

So when you have a baby you really try to consider several factors when going out to eat. Is it too noisy? Too quiet? Too fancy? Kid friendly etc.

So when my husband's family was in town I really tried to pick somewhat of a kid accepting place to eat for our holiday dinner. We celebrated Christmas a little early so I thought getting a reservation wouldn't be an issue, but when its 8 + a baby= 9 seats, it can get tough. All but one or two wanted to go out to dinner. Since my house was the hosting house, I wanted to go out as well. The mess, left overs, etc. I just didn't want to deal with it all. Not to mention my kitchen table seats 4.
I gave several options and my husband said why don't we do restaurant X. For the purpose of this blog the place we ate at will be referred to as X. I kind of want to be able to eat there again :) After calling around X was the only place that didn't laugh when I asked if they had any reservations left. I purposely mentioned there was a baby to make sure they didn't try to prop his car seat on some unstable upside down highchair. "Oh no problem!! See you at 7pm!"
My husband and I were stoked. X is one of our fav places to eat and we were sure everyone would love it.

So we pile up and meet my in laws and sister in law with her boyfriend at the restaurant. My brother in law and his wife stayed with us. I noticed right as we are walking in that there is a band. All the times I ate there I never saw a band, of all nights. Then I look over and see the family sitting at a table which was literally on top of the equipment. WTF???? You have got to be joking. So the asshole working the door, says oh there is a band tonight, is that ok?? Well no, not really. See this thing...it's that baby I mentioned. It was too late at this point so we all sat down.
My in laws looked annoyed but I try to brush it off as it being some trendy Scottsdale thing and hope it isn't too loud.
Oh shit, are those drums??? Wait, how many people are in this f'n band?

So the music starts...I watch my sister in law twitch every time a drum is hit.

Stone is awakes up..and looks pissed.

So my father in law grabs Stone and decides to head outside in the car so he doesn't flip out and start crying. I am watching the glasses shake from the speaker being directly under the table. Everyone is whispering and looking really annoyed. I immediately feel responsible even though I just called in the reservation; so I jumped up and asked the jerk at the door to please move us. The conversation goes a little like this.

"umm, excuse me."
"yes."
" I think there is some sort of misunderstanding. When I called and made the reservations there was no mention of the band. It is sort of loud."
"Well I told the first half of your party when they arrived and they said it was ok."
"Well they are already here, what were they supposed to say? It's 7pm on a Saturday before xmas."
"Well I can't do anything to help you out, do you know who you talked to?"
"yeah, YOU!"
"I don't remember talking to you, but I can't move you sorry."
"Look, I was crystal clear that we had a baby with us. No baby let alone human can sit on top of a speaker without losing their hearing."
"Look lady, what do you want us to do?"
"MOVE US! My father in law is in the car with my son. My husband is outside trying to find them. I think my sister in law is now deaf and I am pretty sure the other half of the table is pissed. This is supposed to be xmas dinner, not feeling the cheer."
"Fine I will move someone else."
"Whatever"

Nothing annoys me more then when people act as if you are being unreasonable by stating the obvious. Like how dare I be annoyed that no band was mentioned when I made reservations and that my salad plate is on some random guys drum set...

So I go back and report to the table that the jerk is willing to move us and to hang tight.
Then it happens.
"This is our first time doing this song."
What? Wait, there is a singer?????
This lady was not singing but SHOUTING and standing right over the table to prove a point. Apparently she was annoyed that we were in their zone. Like it was our fault some dipshit sat us there.
I couldn't drink my martini fast enough.

Then oh yes, I hear "So you better shop around..hmmm uhhh..so you better shop around."
Isn't that from a State Farm insurance commercial or something?

Everyone slammed their food, so we could hurry out. My father in law and son are still in the car. The only high point was that everyone (almost everyone) enjoyed their meal and I got a free drink.

There is no real point to this story except what a f'n nightmare the whole night was. And you better believe I heard semi not joking remarks about how bad it was the next day. How the whole thing became my fault, who knows. Oh and my son spent the entire time screaming in the car. Talk about feeling like the grinch.
Oh what a Merry Xmas it was...

Oh and i would like to mention / thank my friend Joy for making me these super cute headers. She keeps me sassy :)

Marc & Brian

So my friends Marc & Brian who actually do not know each other have made several comments about how much more interesting my blog would be if I mentioned them.

I just mentioned you both and i don't think it got much more interesting...

Merry Xmas :)

Why do people feel the need...

To dress their dogs in people clothes???
I live in Scottsdale which is a wannabe LA. Where every blond busty Scottsdale tramp feels the need to dress their already rat looking dog into little outfits. The worst is when they actually match the person's outfit. I am sorry but on what planet is this cute???

I saw a little bugged eyed thing which I am not even sure which breed it is, I am assuming it's a dog and I am not even sure if that is a safe assumption...but the dog was wearing a pink tu tu. Here's the hook, the dog was a boy. His name was Johnny. WTF??? That poor dog..

And when I was at the mall having my son get his picture with Santa there was this GROWN & STRAIGHT man hassling the Santa staff about having his dog take a picture with Santa. I am sorry sir but this is not PetsMart. I am pretty confident I do NOT want that thing in the same hands as where my kid is about to go. After 15 mins of the staff explaining to him why they can not allow his rat, I mean dog on Santa's lap the guy the BALLS to have someone just walking through the mall take a photo of him and his freaking dog by the candy cane. GO TO F'N Petsmart asshole!!!!

I looooooooooooooooooooove New York!!

Aww yes...


It's finally happened. Miss New York and Tila Skanky Tequila have picked their men.





Can I please tell you how much I love New York (Tiffany.) Her little comments are so f'n funny I just about pee myself watching her show. Although I thought Tailor Made was a total douche bag at the beginning of the season, I learned to like him as time passed. Now Buddha...how do I even describe Buddha?? He reminds me of someone who I utterly hated, so therefore I couldn't stand him. I just saw his bald ass on hell date last week. I mean seriously how many dating shows can one go on??? How do you even get casted for so many? I think there should be a cut off. The guy from survivor and another contestant from Tila is on the Janice Dickinson Modeling Agency. You know your life is sad when your hook is how many dating shows people can recognize you from.





For those of you who didn't watch I love New York. I am sorry that you missed out on the best TV this year. For those of you who get me, why in the hell did she kick Punk off? I mean he was a little steroided out, but super nice guy. He seemed semi normal. And Midget Mac. Why did he always need to talk about himself in the 3rd person?? "Midget Mac will kick some ass." "Midget Mac loves him some New York." Half the time I wasn't even sure if he was Midget Mac or if I had my names wrong. And oh yes, Sister Paterson. When sister Patterson and the Entertainer's mom had it out, I just about died when she said she had a beaver's ass on her head.

Sister Patterson actually makes me want to go to church. Could you imagine if your mom was like that? Even worse, could you imagine wearing half as much make up as New York?? Jesus, that girl has so much eyeshadow I can't even see past her eyes to admire her new boobs.

Anyways, I say good choice New York. Can't wait for it to blow up to the disaster it is. See you season 3. :)



Tila, Tila, Tila...

Does anyone know what this skank's real name is??? And why in the hell says she have a song called "My Stripper Friends?" I mean really? You know that many strippers that you were able to form a click then write a song? I don't even think I know one. The song is so sad I can't even get through the second half. As I predicted the trashy skank picked Billy. Even though Dani was totally the better choice. Even the guys wanted Dani to win. I felt so bad when Dani cried. I mean if Dani looks at the bright side. She won't have to deal with treating all those STD's Tila would have passed down. I am sure Billy's family is thrilled that their new daughter in law is a myspace slut. What happened to all the classy dating shows like Rock of Love with Bret Michaels?

I'll take a triple, grande, non-fat, 130 degree latte...pls

Ok, is it me or do people that work at Starbucks always seem high???
They speak their own language and have these big ass smiles on their face. Sometimes I can't tell if they are being obnoxious or friendly. It's sort of annoying.
I used to go to Starbucks every day. That was until my husband bought me my own espresso machine. I know what you are thinking, "how nice of him." It's not like that. Not that it wasn't nice, but that wasn't the reason I got the machine. It wasn't a "here you go honey. You are such a great wife and mom; and I know how much you enjoy a latte so I got this for you." It was more like you spend way too much money on Starbucks and we have to find a way to cut back. So the machine was a compromise.

In some sick, twisted, lazy, American way. Even though I use SB beans, its not the same. Something about having to make it yourself sort of takes away the fun of having a coffee. Not to mention the mess. There are fucking coffee bean grinds everywhere. I seriously found some in my son's crib. wtf?

When I do go to Starbucks I go to the drive-thru (when you have kids its much easier.) They seem to always have the hard of hearing, overly friendly girl who ALWAYS screws up my drink working the drive thru. I have to repeat it about 3 times before she even gets something close to what I am asking for. Pre-caffiene, her being so damn happy, makes it even more annoying.
"Triple, Grande, NON fat, 130 degree Latte." Look, I know it may sound complex. But they created this language where I feel like I am always talking in code, they should get what I am saying.
Can you please tell me how my order translated to a grande, hazelnut, vanilla latte??
And nothing annoys me more when they try to correct the order you called your drink in. "You mean a Grande, Triple, non fat, 130 degree latte???" Umm... yes, I believe that is the same f'n thing I just said. That's like me ordering chicken and rice, and the waiter saying "oh did you want to try the rice with chicken?" Same thing. I feel like them trying to correct the order is what always f's up my order. And they always do it with such attitude. Like how dare I even try to order a drink in the incorrect order. You go anywhere else, its small, medium, large. None of this venti shit. Then when they correct me, it confuses me for a minute on what exactly I ordered. I have to say it back in my head and make sure all of the details are there. Then I say it back in the "wrong"order out of habit, then the witch corrects me again. After a quick pause I am like yeah, that's it. The whole time hoping when I pull around it's something even slightly close to what I ordered. Then when I get up to the window, they feel the need to repeat it again. I really can't handle all of this thinking so early in the morning. I wish they would just put a touch screen where you can plug in your own order. Cut out the middle man.

Yes that is really his name...

Ok, so maybe I named my kid something a little unusual, but I happen to like it.
For those of you who don't know my son's name is Stone Thaddeus. Stone being my husband's middle name, and Thaddeus being his brother's middle name. Stone is also a family name of my husband's. That wasn't the only reason we named him Stone, we both happen to really like it. I mean do we really need one more John, Matt or Chris in the world? Its not like I named him Apple or Stardust or some weird ass celebrity shit. I think sometimes people try to hard to be different and end up screwing their kid for life with these random names, but I don't think that's what we did. Right?
If one more person makes a comment about my son's name being "different" or "unusual" or asks me why I picked that I swear I will lose it.
Some fucking old bat at the mall asked what his name was and I said Stone. Then the witch says, spell it. I know Stone is a big word for some people so I spelled it REALLY slow so she could get her head around it. Then she says "like the rock?" Umm I guess...you know Stone used to be somewhat common back in the day, I am sure that was about her time.
So then she has the nerve to say "I am sure your mom was upset you didn't pick something more distinguished." What ever happened to if you have nothing nice to say, say nothing at all? Does this shit just happen to me? Or is it Scottsdale? I know we have a large abundance of old people, maybe that's it?
I guess I kind of figured (stupid me) that since it was my kid I could name him something I like, I guess I was wrong. Apparently when you name your kids you must take into consideration what strangers will think. Maybe I should have taken a poll or gone on some sort of reality show where you could pick my kid's name. I mean seriously who says that kind of crap? It's his name, a little too late for me to consider other alternatives, so why even say anything???
My name is Jordana, like I don't know what playground torture is like. He is tough, he can handle it :)

I will not drink the kool-aid

Ok, so being a new mom especially one who stays home can get a bit lonely. So based on some advice from other moms I joined a "mommy's group." After hearing my girlfriends talk about their group I thought it would be this nice network of new moms grabbing coffee and hitting the mall. Holy crap was I wrong.
So I joined this group called the Sweet Peas (lame yes I know) on this website meetup.com. The dues were $5 for every 6 months so I figured I would give it a try. So the minute I signed up (about 6 weeks ago) I was sent this really long email listing all these rules. Most were pretty basic and understandable and some were just weird. You have to post at least 2 messages a month on the message board, organize one event every 3 months, not show up with a sick child..you get the idea. Then there was these weird ass one's. You must have a green ribbon on your diaper bag and wear something green to each meet. You must meet someone to get an ID badge and have it with you at all times. Ok maybe it doesn't sound that weird, but when I talked to the president of the group, I jokingly but semi-serious said well my diaper bag is green is that ok? "No, you must have some sort of green ribbon. It is vital that we are able to spot all of the Sweet Peas." Like the large group of women in sweats with babies wouldn't be a tip off, but OK whatever crazy lady.
Then she gives me this shit about how I have to meet her within a month of joining and pay my $5 dues. Look its $5, I spend that on a coffee, it's not a big deal. Me driving 30 mins to drop it off is. I just figured when I attend something, I will give it to her then, no biggie. Well apparently I was wrong. She flagged my profile for the whole world to see that I was overdue on my fucking $5. Like i am trying to be shady or something. I hadn't even attended a event so in my eyes I wasn't overdue. The site that she runs costs $120 a year. She had over 60 members paying $10 a year. She is turning a large profit little witch. "I need to be compensated for my time." You wanna be paid for your time, then get a job don't host a mommy's group. You making up these stupid ass events like breakfast at Ikea??? Really? As if Ikea isn't stressful enough to get through you want me to bring my kid and have $.99 breakfast with you?? Oh that sounds fun. I am sure my INFANT will find that enjoyable. Is not requiring a lot of time or effort on your part, trust me.
Then get this shit. I get this email now like 6 weeks later letting me know that I had been dropped from the group for non-attendance and not paying my dues. Well I kind of thought me not showing up to any events and getting off meetup.com was my way of saying F' you lady!! I will not drink the kool-aid and be apart of your creepy cult! She would always refer to Stone as my sweet pea. You mean my kid? It was so irritating I wouldn't have lasted long anyways. And one more thing, I get wanting to meet new members promptly to ensure they are not creepy child molesters joining, but how in the hell do I know the person I am meeting is not a wack job?? Needless to say no mommy's group for me. Oh well...

5:1 and 11:2 are you %$&%# kidding me????

Another reason why I love Arizona so much...
In case I haven't mentioned it before AZ is a very ass backward state in a lot of ways, but here for shits and giggles is another one.

Daycare providers can have 1 adult to every 5 INFANTS (under the age of 1) and 11 infants to 2 adults. I bet you are asking yourself how is that even humanly possible?? It's simple, it's not!!!
Are you fucking kidding me??? I pay you over 1, 000.00 a month to basically make sure my child doesn't die?? Super!!! I just about puked when I found this out. I talked to our sitter who used to work for one of the big providers and she informed me that you get paid about $7.50-$9.00 an hour to be one of these lucky adults. She got a whole $8.75 for being an education major. I am sorry is that supposed to make me feel better? I guess for that much an hour I am lucky if my kid is still alive come 5 p.m.. It's sad how little these people get paid and how much they are expected to manage. My kid can sit there screaming his head off for 45 mins before anyone even tends to him if there are other kids requiring attention. Could you imagine 11 kids??? I refuse to believe that any type of proper care is given. In Colorado it's 2 kids (under age 2) for 1 adult,now that my friends makes sense. AZ really needs to get their head out of their ass and start getting it together. How can any parent feel good dropping their kid off everyday or even feel slightly motivated to go back to work? Ughhhh!!

I'm from Brooklyn YO!

Ok, let me say this up front I am a total TV junkie and to make matters worse I watch about every reality show on TV (except survivor, I put my foot down on that one!)
Can I please tell you how much I hate when they do these damn "look back" filler episodes right before the finale. I don't need a reminder of what I just spent the last 4 months of my life watching. There is nothing new, no shocking twists it is the same damn thing that I have seen in the previous episodes. Like the Hills doing that stupid "feature length movie" it was not a movie it was a bunch of clips from Laguna Beach and The Hills. Spiderman is a movie, that was just a really long preview. So last night I was all excited cause I thought Tila would chose her "love." It was Tuesday, last week it was down to 2 so why would I have thought otherwise. Nope, nada..it was a f'n flashback episode. For those of you who don't know who Tila is; she is some trashy Myspace whore who has received her fame solely for just being a myspace hussy. She is allegedly bi-sexual (which they made such a big deal about like it's some rare animal or something) and so it was guys and girls who competed for a "Shot at love with Tila Tequila." I promised myself when i saw the previews that I would not watch such trash but sure enough after episode 2 I was hooked. Its down to Dani (who is a girl) and Billy who is this total country mama's boy. I say she should pick Dani. She is super down to earth, really sweet and just seems more real then the others. If that is even possible on reality TV. To be real...
I think Trashy Tila will pick Billy cause I don't really believe she is gay. I think she is doing it for the show which is sad, but I still watch. While I was sulking because I have to wait another week to find out who has their shot at love. I realized I love Janice Dickinson and her dumb modeling reality show on Oxygen. I ordered Oxygen for Snapped which is a show about real women who kill in the rage of passion. Great show, and very real. You don't mess with an angry chick with a gun..
So I was hoping Snapped was on and it was the Janice Dickinson modeling agency, which I now love. She is such a loud mouth bitch. I think I love her. But if you REALLY want good TV you have to watch the Bad Girls Club. I am not even sure what the purpose of this show is but they basically got like 8 girls who are total trash to all live in a house with each other and beat the crap out of each other day in and day out. There is this heavy set black girl from Brooklyn who I love. Because she will cut you if you piss her off enough. The alliances make no sense; but its still great. The crazy black girl from Brooklyn (who feels the need to remind everyone she is from there every 5 mins) decided that this total white girl who looked like she grew up in Los Altos was to be her best friend and roommate since she was from Brooklyn. These two girls have nothing in common and absolutely NOTHING to talk about. It is so great trying to understand anything they talk about. 2 of the girls are strippers (but the good kind of course), a radio DJ, and there is this one girl Lyric from Phoenix (represnting!) who almost didn't make it cause she was in jail the night before the show started. They all obviously have a drinking problem. But I really think this show will help them and us find ourselves in this mad, mad world. :)
If you find yourself in need of some good trash and are over Grey's and ER, tune into Bad Girls Club. It will be the most pointless half hour of your life!
" I AM FROM BROOKLYN YO!"

take your 2 cents and shove it...

Why is it that perfect strangers always feel the need to give you advice??? Do they think you are going to take it to heart and change your whole life based on their opinion??? Apparently so...
When I was pregnant old women would always argue with me how far along I was, what I should eat, things I should do, yadda yadda. As if you aren't paranoid enough you have all these complete strangers telling you what you shouldn't be doing to make you feel like you are hurting your baby. Once the baby comes, not much changes.
Why do old ladies always feel the urge to comment on my son's size??? "Oh my, he sure is a big boy." Yeah well your hair is blue and you smell funny but you don't see me announcing that in the middle of Starbucks do you???? My son is tall...don't most women like tall men anyways???

"You aren't drinking caffeine are you? That's not good for the baby." Why in the hell would my latte be bad for my baby?? Oh I know why, it's because everyone assumes that you must be breastfeeding. It's nature's milk, well nature's milk would leak all over my clothes, and cause my breasts to enlarge into big punching bags (and not the hot kind that guys like.) Yes I know I am a horrible mother I give my child formula, really expensive formula at that!!! If I am not careful he may grow a 3rd arm. It really annoys me how it is a basic assumption that you are breastfeeding, and if you announce that you are not they look at you like you are Hitler standing before them.

Another personal fav "well you look good for just having a baby." Do you know how that translates???? You wouldn't normally look good but since I now know you pushed a basketball out of your belly you don't look half bad. It isn't flattering, it just reminds me that I have become unattractive and old. Yes ladies it's true. Having children is an instant man repellent and teenagers now see you as their senior not their idol. They look at you like you have some sort of disease as you walk they mall in your baggy sweats with drool stains all over it, hair half up in a ponytail, no make up and the heaviest bags you could imagine under your eyes. Oh yes the joys are endless.
On a side note:
Is it me or do the homeless get a little pushy during the Holidays??? My friend Joy was yelled at, and i had my own run in.
A guy in front of Starbucks was freshly showered and pretty well dressed holding a coffee with a sign reading "homeless, hungry, please help."
This may sound harsh, but if you are that hungry shouldn't you have gotten food instead of the latte? I mean my husband has me on a coffee budget, shouldn't you do the same??
Well that's not what made him pushy, it was this..
So I am struggling to get myself, the car seat and my coffee out the door when he came and rushed up to help me with the door (ironic the homeless guy is the one with the manners) and says "aww look at the little one." So I said thank you and gave him that uncomfortable smile you give when you aren't sure if you are about to be mugged or not and started to head to my car. That is when I hear "hey lady!!! Don't you think you should help someone in need out??" "It is the holidays you know??" I tried to ignore him but then he got louder "That's right, I do you a favor and you tell me to fuck off." I am sorry I don't recall which language Thank You means fuck off, but it sounds really exotic. So I rush to get in the car and I hear him yelling at some other guy about what a bald mother fucker he was. That's right spreading the holiday cheer.
I love Christmas it brings the best out of people...ho ho ho

Does no one have manners anymore????

What the hell happened to a simple thank you or please????
I swear people act as if you are required to open the door for them or let them so kindly cut you off cause it's the "holidays." Do people not believe in Thank You cards anymore??? When I was a kid (yes I realize this makes me sound very old) my mom would have had a heart attack if I didn't send a thank you card for every gift or nice gesture I received. You get a gift, you send a card, you stay with someone, you send a card, right??? Apparently not. After just having a baby and doing the whole shower thing I wrote so many Thank You cards I started to mutter thank you for the.... in my sleep.
People act so damn entitled it makes my skin crawl. Example...I am at Starbucks with my child in one arm seconds away from breaking my back and arm, and my lovely latte in my other. I head to the door, do you think one person even blinks or offers to get the door for me????? No even better. Some rail thin 19 year old in her designer jeans and Gucci bag so kindly stops and gestures for me to go ahead. Oh, so I guess I am supposed to get my own door with my third arm and perhaps leave it open for your skinny ass??? I mean don't let me put you out by having to pocket your BMW car key to grab the door for a girl with a baby....heaven forbid you help an old lady out. You see an old man or a pregnant lady OR A GIRL HOLDING A BABY you get the damn door!!! Screw math and history they should teach manners 101 in school.
And for all of those blackberry users, please STOP texting while you drive. IN case you didn't notice it causes for you to drive like $%#@ and annoy those around you.

Good night :))

(this blogging thing is easier then I thought!!)

Is that a floatation device or my tummy???

After giving birth everything seems to just head even deeper down hill then it was when you were pregnant. When you are expecting it's cute the fatter you get. You order 5 meals it's darling, you snap at the 16 year old who froze the marshmallow topping at Baskin Robbins it's sassy. But once you pop it's you just being a crabby witch.
I had this false hope that I would bounce back like Angelina or Kate Hudson ( didn't she gain like 70 pounds???) but it is starting to become a reality that unless I become rich and famous soon it's not in the cards for me. I noticed that whenever I put on something that is not elastic or a pair of sweats I develop what looks like a tire around my waste. Since I am no longer pregnant I am assuming it is no longer cute.(or is it??) Can someone please explain to me how in the hell it is possible for some women to look as if they didn't even give birth weeks after having a baby and others...well to look like Ugly Betty??? These damn movie stars make us common folk believe its a possibility. I need a cupcake...

The last roll?

So my friend Joy suggested I start a blog and even though I don't have much to blog about. I figured..why not.
Before I get to the good stuff I have to ask who uses the last of the toilet paper and doesn't even replace the roll???? My husband that's who. Men simply do not understand the bind they put us in when they use the last of the toilet paper and do not replenish. I keep the stock of "TP" in the master bath just because its simply larger. Well during the day I tend to use the hall bath..which apparently my husband does as well. I just went to relieve myself and found myself yes..desperately searching the bathroom with my eyes wondering what I will use. Needless to say I was forced to use that itty bitty scrap that is left clinging to the roll...uhh men!! I am so distracted by this whole thing I can't even remember what I was going to write about in the first place. I need to gather my thoughts and type again later.