The expert on everything

Yes it is true..I am re-joining the work force. I had a year off to be pregnant and give birth now I must do what I was dreading and go back to corporate America.

This decision what not really mine, but I must face my destiny. I guess in my young & naive head I pictured greater things for myself. When I moved to Arizona over 3 years ago I was promised roses, and a better life. Yes now I own a home and are building another (well technically my husband does, but being married makes it half mine, right??) I have two faithful dogs and a son I adore with every once of my being. Well the past 3 years I took one odd job after another. One's I hate to even admit I had, and others I signed NDA's not to talk about. Every time I look for a "job" I always reflect back to California and when I worked at Intuit and how much I loved my job. I had a good position, I boss I loved, and fun co-workers that made work fun. The search to find that again has been long and disappointing.

While pregnant and several dead end assistant positions straight out of the Devil Wears Prada (but without all the cool clothes) I decided I needed a career change. After much thought and revisiting a high school dream I thought this is the perfect time to make a change. Cosmetology school seemed like the perfect career changing solution. Well that costs money and time, two things I do not have to spare. The hubby pretty much stomped on that within in seconds, but at least pretended to entertain the idea.

So here I am, 3 months post pregnancy, 20 pounds heavier, a resume with a big black hole and no direction. Oh did I mention it's the holidays??? yes for those of you who work in corporate America or have ever know what I mean. The 3 week December vacation, or going to work but really lunching and shopping. Yes I remember the drill. i like to think I partly made up the term slacking off. We all do it, and even better, when you get paid to do it. So here I am, trying to get a jobby job, at the worst time of the year. Ever! How can HR call me for an interview if they are all in Boston visiting their in-laws? Or how can my dream job be posted on monster.com if I am not budgeted till the 2nd quarter?? I know why, but for those who have never had the joy of cubicle hell, it's a lost cause.

Did you know Phoenix has one of the fastest growing job markets?? yeah, if you work in the restaurant industry or you are a call center rep, you are golden. Otherwise you are F***ed! And here's why. 50% of Phoenix is in real estate. Now listen closely. The real estate market is in the shitter. Realtors are gone for broke. So what do they all do??? Change careers. Take away perfectly good coffee fetching positions away from over qualified shmoo's like me. So what does Mr. Employer benefit from this you ask?? Lower wages. You won't work for 32k, well Mr. Last Year's top seller who is in foreclosure will. Buh bye.

I slowly get more and more depressed each time I click "apply."
The positions are things I did when I was 20 and the salaries are what I made at Bebe when I was 17. Not to mention the thought of 50% of my paycheck(if not more) going toward daycare makes me ill.
Which brings me to the little one. My finest accomplishment, baby Stone. Who I have grown to adore more than anything in life and who I can not imagine not having to lug around everywhere with me. So with all the stress of finding the perfect job in a month's time, I also have the pleasure of finding care for the little one.
Who other than me is fit to care for Stone? I can't imagine anyone else is.

Oh and the joy of restocking my stuffy work wardrobe. I am pretty sure those size 2 pants will no longer fit. Sometimes the world seems unfair. My girlfriend who had a baby just a month before me looks like she never even carried a child. Back in her pre-pregnancy clothes within weeks. Not to mention she was adorable pregnant. Why didn't I get dealt that card?? Given I had a crappy pregnancy and labor I think I deserved a kick back, don't you?? All I got was 20 extra pounds I can't shake and a thyroid condition and a cyst to boot. Lucky f'n me.
Maybe I can add that to my resume. What do you think? "20 extra pounds just means more of me to work and work extra hard to get your latte back to you before it has time to cool."

The worst is I live with the expert of everything. "There are a ton of jobs that pay well." "There is no reason why you shouldn't have one." " I read articles all the time that say how much the salaries have gone up in Phx."
Oh really??? Is that right?? Then perhaps the journalist who has never worked a corporate job a day in his life can help me find one of these high paying jobs?
Cause stupid me just keeps applying to all these jobs on monster, hotjobs and craigslist. He must have the golden ticket. Thank god for all of those newspaper articles to shed light on this crappy situation. Someone who has never been forced to sit in a cubicle and pick up dry cleaning should not be allowed to give job search advice. That is like me giving training seminars on how to do a tune up on a car.

Oh shit I just realized I wasted 7 whole minutes typing this that could have been spent looking for that great job. Gotta go.