Needs no words ...

Do you ever wonder why...

People become total assholes during the holidays? Isn't the whole purpose of Christmas to bring cheer and happiness?

I swear people get this holiday bug up their ass and it ruins the whole season.
The grocery store is like a fucking rat race. I thought this hefty woman was going to take me out for the last can of libby's pumpkin and this old guy literally ran my foot over with his cart. Hi asshole, that is connected to the rest of my body and it hurts.

I had no real point, other than people are usually jerks, but it seems to be more intense during the holidays..that's all.

excuse me...are you pickling that???

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I had a somewhat relaxing weekend. My in-laws came into town, we got to see a movie (Role Models) and do a little shopping. For those of you with children you know that it's as good as it gets.

Thanksgiving dinner was...interesting. Good, but not what I had in mind when I woke up that morning. My in-laws brought a "smoked" turkey, which they had laying around in their freezer that they didn't want to go to waste. Which is fine, that they had it sitting in their freezer(?), but not so fine that it was smoked. I actually hate smoked meats, I think it makes it taste weird and gives it a rubber like texture. I am more of a simple girl who likes good old fashion turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy and the canned cranberry sauce. That's it, nothing fancy.

The real holiday fun started with the pork loin dinner the night before. For those of you who know me, you should be aware that I hate pork. ESPECIALLY in a chop form. The visual of it alone makes me want to puke. My husband's family has this tradition that they do every xmas, which disgusts me beyond belief, but hey, it's tradition.(yay)
His parents buy about a gallon of vinegar and a large pork roast, they then chop up the roast leaving all of the fat intact (I can taste the puke in the back of my throat) and soaking it in vinegar at room temperature for 2 days. I believe it is called "pickling." They then cook the pickled fatty pork in a large pan with a few inches of grease. (Joy I understand if you need to stop reading this) The grease then splats all over EVERYTHING frying the large, fatty, pickled pieces of pork. It is literally enough to make me remodel my kitchen to rid the smell when it's all done. They all love it (his family that is) and eat it for days every xmas. Not only does the smell linger, the amount of leftovers seems never ending. If I didn't hate pork before, seeing this would have been enough to make me hate it. It's nothing personal, but when I have to ask "umm excuse me, are you really pickling that pork?" I mean come ON!! Pickled pork? Who does that sound tasty to? Or "doesn't meat need to be refridgerated?" So back to my story, last year they made this "dish" at my house while the whole clan was in town. I made it a SERIOUS point that I do NOT eat pork, so this year it wouldn't even be in my vocabulary. Not to mention his parents bought the entire stock of pork from safeway and continued to make pork chops 2 nights in a row, in addition to this pickled business.
I will give you ONE guess what was on the menu the first night they arrived. Pork Loin!! DING DING, you win. I was like WTF, you have got to be kidding me???
My mother in-law served my plate up and watched me shift around the pork and yams (another thing I dislike) till they left the table then I rushed to dump it in the trash. Once they retired to bed, my husband and I hit up del taco, I was one hungry bitch. I kindly asked my husband to remind my in-laws that I loathe pork. So he did. As all loving in-laws do, I was offered bacon the next morning at breakfast. After I kindly turned down their offer I was then hit with a below the belt comment of "oh that's right, you don't eat pork now." Umm correction. I have NEVER ate pork. This isn't a trend, or a phase I am going through. I can guarantee you that I will not change my mind on this one. ESPECIALLY after seeing the pickled action the previous year. I couldn't believe I was offered bacon the very next day. It was like a really bad episode of Punked, except I am not famous and Ashton didn't pop out of my hall closet. Were they handing out pork that day or what? That is when i realized I need to learn to love the smell of pork sitting in vinegar. I have a feeling it will haunt me every xmas for the rest of my life. ho ho ho

Worst Week

Ugghhh are you kidding me?

Lipstick jungle, Pushing Daisies, Friday Night Lights AND Dirty Sexy Money ALL cancelled???? WTF????

I am just floored. How in the hell do shit shows like Heroes, Dancing with the Stars, Private Practice and Lost keep getting picked up and the only good shoes on TV get cancelled?? Someone please explain to me who is still watching Heroes? And if you are one of them, please explain the plot to me. Apparently, the "plot" is so confusing the actors on the damn show can't even explain it.

People, we must do something. Worst Week I fear is the next victim. PLEASE, watch and/or DVR/TIVO Worst Week EVERY Monday @ 9:30 pm. If you haven't watched it yet, pull yourself away from Heroes and WATCH IT. I promise you, one episode and you will be hooked!

http://www.cbs.com/primetime/worst_week/

YES WE CAN!

Tuesday was an historic night, Barack Obama is our next president!!!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

I got up at 5:00 am to go vote before work and stood in a huge line in the pitch black dark. I looked around and everyone looked excited and happy to be in line at 5 am in the morning, which was shocking in itself. It hit me that we had it in the bag. I spent the whole day rubbing our soon to be victory in every Republicans face that crossed my path. I couldn't help it. They had the last 8 years, I figured it was our turn! Let me have this moment!
I obsessively checked CNN all day hoping that something would happen to bring us closer to our victory. Even though not a single poll had closed, I still watched the little red/blue map like it runaway if not watched closely. I raced home after work and planted my ass right on the couch gazing into the TV. I flip flopped between channels and the Internet all evening watching every number very closely. There was a split second when Obama actually was in the lead for Arizona and I was filled with joy--then McCain took his state back. Its OK though, I mean I guess he deserves one state. We did take them all. :)

As the night went on I watched Obama wipe the floor with McCain and then suddenly across my screen "Barack Obama has won." I screamed and jumped around the living room like I won the lottery. I couldn't believe it. It felt so surreal, I didn't know what to feel. There was a point I almost felt sorry for McCain. Obama literally slaughtered him--his whole career crumbled in the matter of a few hours. Sadly, two things lead to his defeat : Bush & Palin, need I say more? Well there were a ton of other things too, but his VP selection just proved how incapable he actually was.

As I listened to Obama's speech and looked at his eyes full of pride I actually felt proud to be an American. It was so empowering to watch him walk across the stage as a quarter of million screamed and cried for his victory. It actually made me care about our country and hate America just a little less. I can not wait till January. It feels like it can't come quick enough. We did it! We got our country back!!!!!

On a side note: Prop 102 passed in AZ. It was disappointing, but expected. Even on a more disappointing note; Prop 8 passed in California. What the hell is wrong with people? I can't believe we have a (soon to be) black president, and openly transgender mayor in Oregon, but yet still, gay marriage is against the law. I look forward to the day where religion is a personal choice and no longer dictates the law.

Prop 102

It has been brought to my attention that recently an advertisement for YES on 102 was posted on my page by google ads. In case it wasn't clear in my earlier posts, I do NOT support Prop 102, nor would I ever endorse such a shitty law. I am totally outraged that google would allow political ads to be posted on my blog.

If you live in AZ, vote NO on prop 102. Do not allow religion to dictate the law.

Get ready...

McCain will be on SNL tomorrow night. I know that's a shocker that he would follow in his sidekick's footsteps--showing what a "good sport" he is, but its true. Tune in if you want a good laugh.

Tuesday is election day, get out and vote and make us all proud.

I don't have anything eventful to blog about this week so I am going to leave my post short and sweet.

Don't forget to vote!

Solve this riddle..

What kind of asshole goes on someones property and knocks down their Obama sign in their front yard???

answer: A hillbilly McCain supporter.

Yes kids, its True. Josh and I have had enough. Our side street is almost covered in Obama signs and FINALLY a neighbor on our block put their Obama sign out, so we naturally felt it was time. So I drove myself to the Phoenix campaign headquarters and got our lawn sign. It's been up since Saturday. Today some white-trash, boxed wine drinking hillbilly Maverick took our sign out of our yard and throw it in the street.

Who does that? I mean are we 12 yrs old here?? I see a 100 McCain signs everyday. Sure, I would like to rip them off people's lawns and burn them in my fire pit while belting out an evil laugh - but I don't! I am not threatened by their false hope that he will win, and they shouldn't feel threatened that they wasted $8 on a sign that will mean nothing in 2 weeks. :)

You think my sign tampering inccident is lame? Get a load of this shit.
Prop 102 in Arizona is known as the "YES to marriage prop" (similar to CA Prop8)sounds good huh? I bet you are thinking Yes on marriage, that sounds good. That means marriage for everyone right? WRONG!!! If you want to be disgusted visit their site
You want a good laugh? check out their 8 reasons to "defend" marriage. I must have missed something. I didn't realize marriage was under attack. My favorite reason is:#3. "More kids will be taught againest their parents' wishes that homosexuality is normal and healthy." Sort of feels like anyone who dares to live outside the bible is under attack. Some please remind me why religion is dictating the law? Why are we allowing states to decide who can or cannot get married? It seems like something that should just be set across the board, in EVERY state. So these "YES to marriage" assholes are running around saying "Vote YES on marriage", and people who haven't sat down and studied all local laws think they are voting for equal rights on marriage. It's just sick.

Perhaps they should play this PSA in Arizona. It would be so "mavericky" of us.

The Maverick State

Don't ask me why or how I ended up living in a republican, McCain loving state.
I miss California and our love for Bill Clinton.

I live in a older neighborhood with young families and the old school Phoenix family's who paid $100 for their house in 1963.
Right after the VP debate I noticed an abundance of McCain/Palin signs blooming from my neighbors yards. The first to start this trend - the guy who fiddles with his lawn everyday while drinking a glass of boxed white wine, sometimes blush. I know that's shocking to believe that a man with such class would be a McCain supporter, but he was exactly who I expected to start the trend. I was floored he didn't pull out his shot gun and yeee haww into the night while digging the sign in his yard.

After that, one by one they all started popping up. Every night I would jog I would count one more. I mean was I the ONLY one who actually watched the debates???
Arizona is weird like that. You could be the worst person in the world, but if you are from AZ, we love ya! When Jordin Sparks was on American Idol, I swore she was running for the senate. I still can't escape her annoying songs on the radio.
I asked my husband if we could get an Obama sign for our yard and the look of fear came over his face and the response was "are you fucking crazy?" "Its bad enough the neighbors hate us, now you want to post a sign announcing that we are voting for the black liberal?" Although I was pissed, he had a good point. ( You may be asking how can your neighbors hate you?) It's simple, we tore down two tiny brick homes, and built 2 really modern homes. 1 towering over the other neighbors, its' actually been called the "freeway wall." The building process was a fun time...
I am sure they all sit on their lawns with their boxed wine muttering "I bet you they are democrats, they have tattoos."

Tonight while running I went down a side street that had 3, yes 3, homes with Obama / Biden signs in their yards. I almost passed out from shock. Could this be real? Or is it that they are on a side street so they are hidden from hillbilly mavericks of the neighborhood? None the less, it made me smile. It actually gave me hope that I would not be subjected to the "Maverick" and his little dingy sidekick for the next four years. So with this said, I ask you to do the right thing and get out and vote this November. Even if you live in a republican state in which your vote is useless, still get out and vote. And if for some reason you feel inclined to vote for the Maverick, please remember you fucked us over the last 8 years; so do us all the favor and stay home.

2 weeks with no starbucks...

So its been 2 weeks with no caffeine and today was by far the worst. My head felt like it was going to pop off my shoulders. I thought about ways I could slip a cup of coffee into my day without "cheating" but knew all it took was one cup to through me off my game.

I decided to cut out caffeine from my diet for a few reasons:

frequent headaches
jittery hands
$$$$
weight loss

So far the only thing that has happened is I am no longer spending my son's college education on my morning lattes.
I realized today that I am not a very nice person when I don't have my coffee in the mornings. Not that I am usually a warm friendly person, it just seems more severe when I am going through withdrawls.
Its difficult to not explode when someone who is holding a cup of coffee questions why you don't drink caffeine like you have some sort of illness or something.

I really feel my addiction would be best handled with some sort of AA group. I mean caffeine is a drug right? We all know Starbucks puts crack in their coffee which is how I became addicted in the first place. We have support groups for sex addicts, drug addicts, shopping addicts, what about those of us who have a caffeine addiction??? I could sit in a circle with Marge, John, and Bill, and discuss why I feel like I am always close to the edge when I drive by a Starbucks. Maybe I could get a sponsor who I could call every morning who can talk me out of that latte. Perhaps an ex-barista would be a good person for the job.
I am just rambling at this point, I can't even focus on my own thoughts right now. Wish me luck, I am going to need it.

Oh jesus..someone please stab my eyes out!

I know I am 2 days late (I am a mom, cut me some slack), but we need to discuss Project Runway.

What the fuck is this?????



It reminds me of something from little shop of horrors, NOT the botanical gardens. For those of you who did NOT watch this weeks episode, you suck and the challenge was to design an evening gown inspired by the botanical gardens. i.e. Flowers, plants, etc. Kenely as usual is in her own made up challenge and decided reptile print and scales was what she was going for. I know New York is cutting edge, but what botanical garden has reptiles running around????

When questioned by her choice, and Tim even commenting that it looked very "reptile" snaggle tooth responded with "cool." Umm Kenely, dear, darling, skank, I don't think Tim meant it as a compliment. Maybe the pins from her mesh flower on her head are in too deep. The rest of the contestants mocked her behind her back the entire episode which brought me some sick sense of joy.
Karma came around to miss Snaggle tooth when the dumb bitch forgot an ENTIRE bag of tulle at Mood Fabric. How do you forget an entire bag of fabric? Maybe her snaggle tooth was blocking her view. After whining and trying to buy tulle off of the other designers Tim said she could go back and get it.
2 problems with that.
1.) You forget it, you lose it.
2.) It was a blessing. I am so sick of that girl and her fucking tulle.

Best part of the entire show is that the other designers had tulle and fully
intended on NOT using it, but since Kenley is suck a dirty biotch, no one gave it up.

So we get to the runway. And of course, everyone hated Snaggle tooth's dress. As usual, she defended and insulted Heidi, who obviously knows nothing about fashion. I was filled with joy knowing that Snaggle tooth was going home. I mean all 3 of the other designers said when asked that she should not make it to fashion week.

There is no shocker here, just as last season, all 4 get to design full lines and only 3 will make it to Bryant Park. You would think snaggle tooth would have been happy she gets to go buy all of the Tulle in New York up for her show, but instead she sat in the corner mumbling about how all the other designers hate her. ohh booo boo whooo. Poor Kenely why don't you tell us again about all of your life struggles. I am sure you had such a horrible life. I mean she is so inspiring.

So we have to wait till next week for the next installment, hopefully Kenely gets hit by a bus on her way to mood so I do not have to hear her slur through her snaggle tooth one more week.

ughhh..

The happiest day in my life...(well almost)

Ladies and gents I have an announcement to make...Krispy Kreme is back in this bitch!!!

Two long sad years ago the guy who owned ALL of the Arizona KK's went bankrupt and all of his stores suddenly were forced to close their doors. It was a dark day in Arizona. My whole pregnancy I could only dream of warm delicious glazed donuts melting my mouth. Waiting for my trip to Portland for my seasonal pumpkin donuts.It was a hard time in my life. No Sprinkles, No Kripy Kreme..it was horrible. A time I usually like to not discuss.

Well the economy may suck, but I have a Sprinkles and as of Wednesday 3 new Phoenix locations of Krispy Kreme! To sweeten the deal, one of the new locations is blocks from my house. Walking distance....

See that green awning going up was like seeing my newborn son for the first time.
For those of you thinking "what's the big deal? it's only Krispy Kreme?" Well, its cause you have never been robbed of your Krispy Kremes.You don't know what you have till its gone!

I will give you one guess what season it is...

did you really just prank call me?

Ladies and gents,

I got prank called this weekend. Yes I know, it took me back..way back. I felt young again, more like 14.

About 11:00pm my cell rang from a "restricted" number. I answered not thinking anything of it and was greeted by Brittany from "Scottsdale." i don't know about you but I usually just say my name, not my place of residence. Brittany found my name in her boyfriend's phone and wanted to know who i was. She said she knew i was from the bay and her boyfriend was from Scottsdale. Well Brittany it seems like you know who I am already, unless your boyfriend is a bigger douche than you and listed me as Jordana from the bay in his phone. Brittany continued on stressing where everyone was from and when I asked who her boyfriend was she said "Brian" i was like ok, Brian who? Brittany answered "Brian Fontana." My response, " I have no idea who the fuck that is, please don't call me again." Brittany said "you should watch TV then."

Is there a famous actor named Brian Fontana I am unaware of? Never heard of him, maybe he is up and coming. My fav part of the whole call was that they thought they were being funny. I was like are we 12 here?

I know this wasn't a great entry, but I had to share...

Congrats Jim & Pam!

I know they aren't real people, but it sure felt like it last night!
I was so happy when Jim proposed to Pam, I just about cried. I don't think I have been happier for anyone getting engaged.

Awww the Office, I am so glad you are back. :)

Kenley, why are you such a skank?

For those of you who watch Project Runway can you please explain to me why Kenley is such a dirty skank??


I hate everything about her.Her ugly headbands, those big dead bird wings she glues to her head and her white-trash teeth. She is so impressed with herself its literally amazing to me. I mean only 21, she must know everything. When all you can make is I love lucy dresses, I guess you are the real deal.

My fav Kenley moment is when she is assigned to make Leann, the nerd from Portland into a hip-hop diva..I could have died. While everyone tried to explain what hip hop was to this white chick stuck in the 50's she insisted she had it nailed. She even had the balls to tell Tim Gunn he had no idea what hip-hop was. OK NO one talks back to Tim Gunn, no one!
She seriously (and this is not a joke) said her outfit was very Alicia Keys. I just about died. Since when is the piano playing half white girl the Hip Hop authority? I couldn't stand it. I know when I think hip-hop, I think Mariah Carey..all the way. Not anyone like Missy Elloitt, Jay-Z, Lil Kim, I mean Celine Dion is more hip-hop than Kenley. Leann looked like Alicia Silverstone in the movie The Babershop. NOT cute. Kenley, grew a sack at judging and argued with Nina Garcia and Michael Kors, oh no you didn't.Bitch you are as good as died to the gay community! She has also been quoted saying "if I hear Heidi (Klum) talking nonsense, I will set her straight." I am sorry, remind me who is the multi-millionaire and who is the broke bitch on project runway? When Heidi questions the height of your boobs in your dress, you answer her, not correct her! I cannot look at another floral, 50's dress with twill.
Someone please help me understand why I am forced to hear this snaggle tooth bitch another week?


SOMEONE, ANYONE, Tell me how this is hip hop, help a white girl out!

A Mother's Revenge

When I was a little I used to act out, a lot. My mother would always say "the best revenge will be when you have your own children." Of course I would roll my eyes and tell her I wasn't having kids and that I hated her. You know, typical tweenie behavior.

Now that I am a mother I see what she was saying. Don't get me wrong, Stone is a GREAT kid, but even great kids have those days. Its like a guessing game each day. What will he want to eat today, is it his teeth, his stomach or is he just trying to piss me off? This morning has been rough. My kid has teeth coming through every day it seems. I have never seen a 1 yr old with so many damn teeth. Just as we get one set through, the next day another one starts pushing. I really thought I would want to be a stay at home mom, you know "raise my own child." But after doing it for most of his life I know now, that I like to work. Its overwhelming and lonely being a mom. Trying to do anything is impossible. Showering is a luxury and eating a normal meal is a thing of the past. I have no idea how my friends Tracie and Jackie stay at home with TWO kids. I can't even manage my 1, and they have TWO. They are my heroes, right after Kathy Griffin of course. :)

This morning started with slapping everything out of my hand, pulling my hair...crying and screaming for breakfast then proceeding to feed it to the dog while smiling at me and screaming. Then he wanted to play, but I had to watch him play. the minute I even turned my head he would scream and hit my leg. Then his favorite show The Backyardigns came on, which usually keeps him glued to the TV for 30 minutes, umm no. I had to sit next to him and watch it together. He kept looking at me to make sure I was watching. is it possible that a 1yr old could be so controlling? There are times I want to give the dog a diaper bag and shove them both outside and pray they survive. I want to sleep in without having to be up every hour the night before. I want to go out in public without Stone dropping a nasty shit, EVERY time. Is this too much to ask?

So mom, you were right. You have gotten your revenge. And one day...Stone will have his own kids, and I will make sure I get mine. The circle of life!

I'm backkk!

Ok bitches, I am back.
It's been awhile I know, but I have been busy. Believe it or not being unemployeed gives me less free time. As you all know having a job gives you more internet &%$# off time.
Its been a busy few months, I lost my job, Stone turned 1, I went to San Diego and Portland for a little vaca.
I finally got a new job I start in October which I am so ready to start.
I am still on a hopeless quest to lose weight but think I finally have it somewhat under control. I am still exhausted beyond belief and still hate people, so looks like nothing has changed. There is so much I can discuss but I think I will just stick to the most annoying thing that has happened to me lately.

Yes, you guessed it, it starts with a trip to Starbucks. So as you all remember I do the drive thru starbucks cause I usually have the kiddo with me. For some reason that drive through speaker thing makes people turn into total fucking idiots. To be clear I have never worked at Starbucks, I have learned their cult language through years of throwing $5/day down the drain. This is their language not mine.
So I pull up to the speaker and some annoying voice comes shouting through "GOOD MORNING! THANK YOU FOR CHOOSING STARBUCKS AT 44TH STREET AND THOMAS, THIS CARRIE WHAT CAN I GET STARTED FOR YOU THIS MORNING?" Is there a reason she needs to yell at me? I speak english. Its first thing in the morning, I obviously have not had my coffee yet, so what the hell makes her think I want to be greeted with her overly joyful ass. And Carrie thanks for pointing out which location I chose. I was slightly confused where i had driven myself to. Thank god I have you to help guide me through the city I live in.
So I order my drink "tripple, grande, non fat, 130 degree latte" as usual she wants to repeat my order to me 10 times to make sure I know what I ordered and are still ok with it. Then I get, now let me type that in? What??? What do you mean let you type it in. Were you not doing it the 3 times you said my order back to me. She gets it right 3 times, but when it comes to typing it in...oh jesus help me.
"So that's a grade, non fat, vanilla 180 degree latte?"
UMMM NO, NOT even fucking close!!!! After a minute or two repeating my order as if she were a chinese tourist we finally got things squared away. So I zip over to the window, and there she is. Bad perm and all. And yes, she already has her Halloween buttons on her apron, oh goodie.
"how are you this morning? It's a hot one today huh?"
Ok Carrie, let's get a few things straight. We are not girlfriends, nor will we ever be. So I could careless how you are or if you care how I am. Secondly, if you would shut the f* up and make my coffee I would be a lot better. Thirdly, we live in Arizona, its September. ITS HOT EVERY DAY!!!!!

I finally get my coffee, do you think it was right?? No of course not. Why does the world hate my so much????

Anyway, that's it for now. I will post on a weekly/bi weekly basis, keep checking back.
xoxo

did that hurt???

No asshole, getting a tattoo felt great. Like a little piece of heaven.

Someone PLEASE explain to me why people insist on asking if tattoos hurt?
what part of a needle ripping through the skin sounds non-painful to someone?

Or when people ask "is he keeping you up?" Nope a 7 month old baby just does his own thing. Feeds himself, changes his own diaper. He is golden.

People are such idiots I can't stand it.

Some old hag asked me if my tattoo on my chest hurt. I looked at her stunned i was even being posed this question. It was like she has never seen one before and was exposed to something new. I said yes, as nice and as calm as I could. She said oh did all of them, or just that one? I kindly responded " It's a needle. CUTTING my skin open, they all hurt."

She just smiled. I am just floored that people like that exsist out there...

Just when I thought I had a fucked up childhood..

People seriously scare me.
At what point did he decide to do this?

I have the worst luck..

ok, so I know I haven't posted in awhile but I am a busy bee.
Between shitty diapers and my sleepless nights, I still have a crappy job to go to each day.

I don't know what i did, and at what point in my life it was decided I would just have shitty luck, but it happened. I think I have had one consistant job after another that I hate. Maybe hate is a understatement, more like hang myself each morning while getting prepared to head into work.

I have had 1 job I enjoyed going to since living in Arizona. (yes Cindy, it was with you)
I think back to my great job at Intuit and I wonder if me leaving that awesome job if i had cursed myself for the rest of my life.

Lets recap my employment history in AZ:

-The crazy rug guy. Came into work yelling and drunk, argued with wife in front me, napped on the rugs and called me a whore.
- Marketing agency I had no real job function, but I sure looked pretty sitting there all day.
- Crazy sports guy, plotted to fire me and then acted shocked when i started avoiding him. Why are men so stupid?
- Property manager job : the owner was a complusive liar and cheap bastard.
- current job: my boss makes my life hell


I know you all envy me, but there can only be one person as lucky as me...

Radioactive

soooo ummm I am radioactive.
It sounds weird, but its true. I finally had to resolve my thyroid issue (i got it from being pregnant) after I switched to every medication option available with no luck.
I had the choice, either cut my throat open and pray I live through surgery ORRR be radioactive for 3 days and kill that fucker.

I had to check in 2 hours before the "pill" even arrived. Once it arrived it was in this luck sack looking bag with a bottle sitting securely in the middle. The doctor instructed me to lift the cap and take the pill without touching it. When i proceeded to lift the cap I couldn't lift it up. I was like "is this some sort of trick bottle?" The doctor laughed and said you gotta put a little emhhhh in it.
So I tried again, that fucker must have weight 30 pounds, that's when i got nervous.
I had to wonder, something that needs this heavy of a cap to secure the pill from getting lose..is it safe?
So i did the natural thing..and hestitated. The doctor said, and I swear.."come on girl, just take the pill; it won't bite ya!"

So took the capsule..and was immediately escorted out the back door. I am radioactive and must remain 5 ft from any adult and 20 ft from any child under the age of 4, for 3 days.

To be extra safe I got a hotel room. ummm an interesting one at that. Its sort of the in the middle of all these office buildings and the staff looks like a charcter from The Adams Family.
The room is questionable. I am assuming they have a cleaning staff - but can't be certain. My fridge stinks of 10 day old chinese food and the "deluxe king bed" is a fold away bed.

Within 2 minutes of being in the room I realized I had to stay 3 whole days here and I panicked. Hotels.com should mandate that pictures are updated monthly.

The good news is I am not glowing green, the bad news...I am not superhuman.

I feel robbed.

Everyone annoys me

I am having one of those days where everyone is annoying the shit out of me.
Everyone is in a funk and is asking the most lame questions it makes me want to hang myself from the AC vent in my office.

"Oh, is that yellow?"
-Does it LOOK like yellow? OBVIOUSLY SO...otherwise you wouldn't have even asked.
"It's Friday right?"
-I don't know asshole, look at the calendar hanging above your computer. May lead you in the right direction.
"Did you drive your car into work today?"
-No I crawled. I thought it might inspire Stone to do the same. WTF kind of question is that? How about can I get a ride to happy hour. Did you drive your car? They posed the question as if I normally do not have my car, which has never been the case.
"The light (next to the drop if water on the coffee machine) is blinking and it won't work, do you think its broken?"
-OMG some please shoot me. Are you f* me? Where is the hidden camera? This can't be real. That is what the BIG GREEN LIGHT IS that is in the shape of a drop of water.

I know I am not a patient person, and anyone who knows me should understand that at this point. With some people, its not sinking in.

Maybe someone will ask me if that is hair on my head or if those are shoes on my feet. Kids, finish school..

Dear Target Corporation,

I am writing you in response to my recent visit to your Phoenix store.
I consider myself a Target fan. I enjoy purchasing most of my household items and a few other items when I make my weekly trip to your lovely store.
I was at your store Saturday (day before Easter) and it was packed. The Easter aisle was scary, I didn't dare enter, not even for my Peeps.

I breezed through and grabbed what I needed and rushed to the check out stand. I had about 7 items so the express lane seemed like the natural place for me. Waiting at the register was a VERY friendly employee. She asked me how my day was and then....she commented on EVERY item I purchased as she scanned them. You would think being in the EXPRESS lane that I would be out quickly. NOT with "Rose" working the register. Rose had bought the toilet paper i was purchasing to save some money with gas prices being what they are and all. But Rose and her husband John found it not to be as soft and Angel Soft. So she went through the rolls they had and then switched back to Angel Soft. Rose also felt that I should have gotten the Spring Breeze Windex instead of the good old fashion blue. It has this nice light scent that doesn't over power the room and really compliments the weather we are having right now. Rose also wanted to know how my son was enjoy the heat. Cause when it gets hot, John, Rose's husband gets cranky. They are from New York so they are not used to this hot weather yet. They moved out here about a year ago to help her daughter out with their grand kids. Her daughter is newly divorced and having a hard time dating out here cause no one wants to commit these days. She married when she was 19 and couldn't be happier.

When I saw your sign "EXPRESS LANE" i was under the impression that I would be EXPRESSLY checked out. Now I know its company policy to ask the customer to sign up for a Target card. Which I get, its business right? I know that as a company the cashier is to tell you how much you would save if you signed up. Rose, going that extra mile. Decided to break down how much EACH item would cost if I got a Target card. Trust me, 42 cent gum sounds lovely..but I was in a hurry. Being that Rose and I have become girlfriends in this process, I really NEEDED TO GO!


I finally paid, which stupid me, used my credit card. Did you know when Rose was my age they didn't have credit cards? Everyone paid cash for things they needed. Nowadays kids use credit cards even at vending machines. Its just silly how no one uses cash these days.

Do you see where I am going with this? I am sure you are wondering do I want Rose fired or transferred to another store not near my home. No, not at all. I simply want Rose to be put in a position perhaps in the back. Unloading shipment or maybe at a different register where it does not say EXPRESS LANE.

Sincerely,
Jordana

The most hated girl in the office..

"Do you find that most women do not like you in the work place?"

I was asked that today. I didn't realize I wasn't liked by women, but according to my boss, its a problem i have.
You see I was just confused on why one of my female co-workers is such a nasty !@$#^ everytime I ask a question - I guess its cause I am hated.

When I was skinny I could maybe understand why this certain moose I worked with hated me, but now that I have more cushion for the pushin'...I am lost.

My boss kindly explained to me that I am "threatening" to this person because I am "young, pretty, married and have a child" oh wait and I actually do work. All things this person is not and does not have. For a moment I felt sad for this person. Then I snapped out of it when I realized I am SO nice to this person because she is such a grump ass, that she has no REALY reason to be such a !@#$^ all the time.

Apparently being young and smart gets you to be hated at the work place. Do I get some sort of placque for this? A reserved parking space? perhaps a nifty button to flaunt around the office?

oh Kristy Jo...it was your time to go.

Good afternoon my ROL 2 hommies.
So finally that cry baby psycho bitch is gone.
You know the funny thing about Miss Kristy Jo is - that at first she seemed normal was actually my fav on the show. But in a matter of 2 episodes she got to be a little bit of crazy. I have no idea how all that make up stayed on through all that crying...

I think Amber is my new fav girl and should be the one to continue to stay in the house and rock Bret Michael's world.

But can someone please explain the following:

- has it been confirmed that Bret wears a wig? I must say when he was making out with Megan it was pretty obvious.
- how much eyeliner do you think that whole house goes through a week?
- Destiny's hair line...Is she going bald? Wearing a wig? Her shirts tend to worry me, it looks like she can't even breathe in them.
- Daisy..can she please OPEN her eyes when she speaks? and why does she do duck lips when she talks?
- Megan-- please never leave us..you make me happy when you speak.
- Jessica..is she is dumb as she seems?

I think this SNL video says it all.

Did you miss me?

So I noticed a slow down in my site traffic...I don't want to point any fingers...but its pretty shitty that you would stop reading my blog. I do put a lot of effort into my entries..and to be ignored. It hurts.

So let's catch up.
Project runway-
My #1 gay Christian won. Yay!!! I knew it all along-he was way too fierce not to win. I want Christian to be my friend but I think I would need to lose 50 pounds and learn to "walk for days." For my gays that read my blog, how do you pick up on a gay man to be your friend? Is there a secret code or something??
I think Christian and I could be fierce together...so fierce you would die.

My son-
Oh the peanut. He is 6 months today. He is a big boy, but not in a large overweight way, more in a studly and handsome way. He started on solids a few weeks back and seems to dig him some squash. Ummm so his poop...its been a 10 (if you aren't familiar with the poop rating system, 10 is beyond gross.) Its not that it is overly large and leaky..its that it is starting to look like grown up poop. More solid and like nuggets. For some reason its just gross to me to change my son with his poop looking like my own. It makes me feel like potty training should happen about the time solids does.

the nanny-

So we had to let our nanny go. I know it seems harsh..but for those of you wondering what could possibly get a nanny fired..I have included this list.

-smoking while walking child...(she is a non smoker of course, just when I am around.)
- Borrowing boss's clothes without permission
- Boyfriend threatening nanny's life and then stalking her at boss's home
- using boss's computer to look for new job
- not cleaning up after child throws spoon with food on it (why give a 6 month old food)
- text messaging boss to not make nanny drive to work if going to be fired because boyfriend who attacked nanny is nanny's first priority.
- Nanny allowing boyfriend to visit boss's home while watching child with no permission and actually being told boyfriend could NOT come over.
- Nanny yelling at boyfriend on phone while holding child.

After reading list would you believe nanny was shocked she was let go??? No to mention she is upset we didn't give her notice before firing her. Umm isn't that what being fired is???


So my new ad will read:

Looking for a nanny ASAP to watch 6 month old child.
- must not smoke in child's face
- must supply own clothing
- must look for new job on own time and computer
- must not be a dirty and crappy liar
- must not have controlling crazy boyfriend
- must not run personal errands with child
- must at least pretend to respect boss

you would think i wouldn't have a problem finding someone..

well bitches keep reading... I am watching you..

People will buy anything

I must say - I was shocked to find that people actually buy Paula Abdul's crap necklaces on QVC, but this...takes the cake.

Why would ANYONE need this?? I mean seriously? Is your mouth that lazy it needs a work out?

Maybe my pinkie should do jumping jacks all day. Who thinks of this shit and who buys it and thinks "wow, I really need this." Or better yet.."Happy birthday honey!"

I just don't get it...men I am sure you will get excited when you see this, but don't. It doesn't do what you think it does.

Revenge is sweet. Jimmy -1 / Sarah - 0

Office ASS

There are two kinds of Office ASS...

The guy/girl you can NOT stand and seriously make your skin crawl
What happens to your girlish figure after sitting on your ass all day


I have both.
Why invite someone to a meeting if you are going to talk over them and shut down anything they have to say?? Why do I even bother showing up when you speak enough for the both of us?
Oh wait that's right, cause a contract that was signed BEFORE I was even hired is somehow my fault? Super, duper...

WTF!!!
My ass is seriously expanding as I type. I am supposed to be losing weight not getting fatter. It’s so hard to resist the daily temptations that float around an office all day. M&M's on people's desks, snacks in the break room, free soda, and catered lunches. Ughhh I need to work somewhere that supports eating disorders.
When I say muffin top I am NOT referring to the Seinfeld episode where Kramer wants to open a bakery just selling muffin top. It’s my fat, flabby, gross stomach!! ughhh

So all you bakers, stop baking. My ass can no longer handle it. Please don't bring the candy into the office so you don't eat it. Drop it off at a shelter or something, just not here.

Lipo should be part of my benefit package.

do you ever feel...

like not dealing with the world?? Do you ever wake up and wish you could just hit snooze till the next day?

Today is one of those days. I have a headache the size China, I feel like i have muffin top, and i am have massive bags under my eyes. I look like i feel...crappy.

For the first time since i started my new job I have nothing to do. I am usually really busy and the day goes by super fast, not today. I am watching the clock waiting for 4:30 to hit.

Do you ever feel like telling people do it yourself, when they ask you to do shit that is not part of your job? There are times where its like the time and effort you just spent asking me that you could have done it yourself!! Move those legs...

Ok, now on to Rock of Love. WTF? Why are Payton and the girl with the mullet still there? They will never win. I hate when they corner him crying asking "do you have a connection with me?" Its been 5 FREAKIN DAYS!! Ladies, get ahold of yourself. His idea of a connection is seeing your tits pressed up againest a window.
And was he wearing purple eyeshadow last night?

shit, i gotta go back to pretending to work...

Happy Hallmark day!

Yippeee...
Another over hyped holiday that causes me to feel annoyed and fat.
Why I think i needed 3 bags of Valentine's day themed candy from Target..who knows.
Even more depressing - I started eating the candy in the store before even paying for it.

I typically don't make a big deal of V-day just cause I find overly lovey dovey crap annoying. I think first timers are the only one's who find this holiday necessary to celebrate. Men - they only do it to get laid and women just do it to one up their girlfriends.

I think my pot belly is making me cranky. Being back at a office gig has taken away from my efforts to be the next Mark-kate Olsen. I have no will power at all. A half eaten snickers could be on the ground and I would still try to find a way to figure out how i can eat it.

I know I have been totally slacking on my blog, I will try to improve and get some good shit up real quick like.

One last thing...how in the hell is Obama winning? WTF!! Damn!

Rock the Vote...my ass!!

Can someone explain to me why?

Voting polls are always in Churches?
The volunteers are always over 80 years old?
Why old people think their opinion matters?

So it’s Super Tuesday. I go to vote-yes at a church. This is fine whatever...but of course when I pull up all I see is these Romney signs out in front of the church. OK, so this is why that annoys me. I think the voting polls should stay neutral. Yeah I get it’s a church, and the odds are they will not be a Clinton supporter...but is it really necessary to have Romney signs everywhere? I didn't go in there wearing my "Hillary is my Homegirl" t-shirt..show some f* respect. Because you know some mindless housewife is going to see that sign on her way in and be like oh, "god must want Romney to win."

So I get in to the place and #1. It smells funny#2 the place is packed.
There are 4 old women (I mean on death bed old) working the "table" and some old guy with a cane directing the line. I seriously watched Stone grow up and graduate college while standing in that line. While in line every old republican in line insisted on blabbing about how they couldn't believe Obama was winning states. As much as I hate Oprah; what that bitch says goes....you don't mess with Oprah.

So it’s finally my turn. The lady with the blue hair asks for my ID and starts searching...and searching. I am still standing...and standing...ok WTF???

"Oh dear...I can't find you here. Are you sure you are at the right place?"
"yes!" My name is right there. (As I point at my name on the paper)

"John Barton?"
Do I look like a John to you??? I mean seriously???
How in the hell is anyone supposed to feel good about voting when it’s such an annoying experience.
I finally place my vote..and get the hell out of there.
As I am walking out the little old lady yells "Hey don't you want your sticker?"
"No, No thanks." I am going to go slit my wrists now..

of course!!

After all the running around and all the MONEY we spent creating a modern nursery...freakin Target has Dwell doing furniture and bedding for them.

Do you know how much that pisses me off? I hate to even say out loud how much we spent and then to see cute modern stuff at target for 1/3 of the price makes me sick! Where was this stuff 5 months ago?? WTF???? I am going to puke when I see someone sending out photos of their Dwell nursery, when their whole room was as much as my f'n crib!!!!!

When we went from store to store..all we heard is "people prefer traditional.." Looks like that is not the case anymore now is it?????

For once in my life, I hate target...

I am sorry!

I am sorry! I totally suck and have not updated my blog in awhile.
I have been overwhelmed with my life that I just have not had the time. I promise to get better next week when I have my life more together.
Not to mention I haven't had anything exciting happen to me lately.

losing steam...

So I got a job..yipppeee

I should be excited to go back to work but I feel discouraged. Between my self image issues and my thyroid problem taking over my whole body I feel like I am losing steam.
The good news is we found a nanny I like a lot. She was very friendly, a little crazy, but very real.

Once I posted the ad for a nanny I received a TON of emails..including this one, that I just HAVE to share. I mean is this girl crazy? I mean who writes such a long email? What 18 year talks like this????
No i didn't hire her..

Subject line: Mary Poppins looking for the right family

This is exactly what I have been looking for! I am an 18 year old student attending PVCC and have just taken the semester off to try and get more stable (financially) and figure out what exactly I would like to major in. I was attending to get my associates in applied science. I plan to be a firefighter. Which means yes I have taken hazardous materials courses, cpr, first aid classes and can provide you with certificates to show I have completed the courses. I love children and have babysat all through my younger years and worked in a Christian based preschool when I was 17. There I led the one's class which included some twos who weren't just quite ready to move up :). In the afternoons I took over the school agers class and LOVED it. I adore baby's to death but really am intrigued by school agers. It reminds me to enjoy every bit of life and how much their little minds do absorb. Children are our future and I am excited to see what this generation will bring. I have younger brother who has just turned 10 years old and truly inspires me to do my best in everything I do. I want to be a great role model to not just him but any children I come in to contact with, to really make them believe anything they dream can become a reality. I guess this thinking has played a huge role in my career choice I want to help and do my part as much as any one person can. I am currently living at home with my parents and younger brother and our three dogs (I failed to mention I am also a huge animal lover!). I did attempt the living on my own thing for about six months and disappointed to share I failed slightly. I wasn't ready financially and I believe this is because I couldn't find a job I was happy at. I want to be appreciated at my work place and really feel I am making a difference and helping. Working with children is the only time I have ever felt significant and helpful and I like to think I made those children feel the same. I show them they are important and loved no matter what and are the key to all of our smiles :) . I would love to meet you and your children and assure you if I am chosen to work for your family I will establish a relationship with the children that will keep me their for as long as you will let me. I hate to see children being bounced around and would never want them to feel as if they were not good enough for me and I left them. I know it will not take long to establish a connection, children are the sweetest most loving people and I want them to know they can feel that towards me and I will cherish it and never take advantage of it. I know children aren't angels at every moment of everyday I have definitely learned from them and my patience has grown tremendously. They love to test, especially your patience and have learned thats okay they are kids! I hope to learn more about yourself and your children and to be considered as a caretaker for your children. I do have my own transportation and am okay with picking up children or using my vehicle to go out and get anything for you when needed. I really want to make a difference and if that includes taking some weight off your shoulders than I am the one for you. I look forward to hearing back from you and if you have any other questions for me please feel free to call or email back. Thank You

ugggghhhh where are my fries??

Ok, so I know I supposed to be on a "diet." What ever the fuck that means...
Seriously what is a diet??? It seems like everyone is always on a diet. Getting a diet coke with your burger and fries is not being on a diet. So as expected my diet lasted all of a week after the new year. As usual I was craving crap and after watching 3 burger king commercials in a 5 minute period I decided a whopper sounded yummy.
I back up the kiddo and drive my chunky self to BK and order up a #2, no mayo, no pickles with a coke. I get my bag and I get my coke and off I go.

Hmmmm I sure bet some fries on the way home would be lovely. Wait what the fuck? Where are my FRIES!!! I didn't check the bag and sure enough that dumb ass forgot my fries!! Even the tag on my bag said 1 whopper, 1 med fries, 1 med coke. WTF???
I was so outraged and disappointed all at the same time. Although she probably did me a favor by leaving out the fries I was still really pissed.

So to make everything right I went to Mc Donald's today, and yes I got fries..

Will you continue to rock my world???

Oh Bret. What happened?
Not that it ever was right, but where did it all go wrong??
I was really looking forward to Rock of Love 2 since Miss New York went off and got engaged.
Could you not have mustered up 20 hotter girls?? Aren't things supposed to improve the 2nd time around? WTF?? I feel like I contracted herpes just watching the season premiere. I am sorry but did you really say you had a spiritual connection with Frenchie??? Bret, please..for the love of mankind please get your eyes checked. I think the ability to see better will help you think clearly with the correct head. I am very concerned that you could get in a sword fight with her if you know what I mean...

Looking for love?? Considering you are old enough to be my father and have had way more years of being a scum bag then I. One bit of advice. Sucking face with 16 disgusting tramps will not help you find love. Shying away from the ONE GIRL who didn't titty slap you, probably not wise. You get my drift here?? Stripper dance challenges...umm not really going to attract the good ones. You following me?

The wig. Katie, why did you ruin this for me?? I used to only obsess over the heavy amounts of eyeliner and now Miss Katie felt the need to draw to my attention to Bret's wig. So now all I can do is watch and hope it falls off one drunken night.

New York may have had fake hair. But she was loud and proud about it. Bret, there is nothing to be proud about.

One last thing. You have a 2 year old daughter. This is season 2. You figure it takes 4 months or so to film, then edit and get on TV. Then it drags out for 4-5 months on TV. I am not expert, but if you do the math correctly he was already working with VH1 while his baby momma was still with child. Lovely....

WRONG NUMBER!!!

Why do people feel the need to argue with you when they have the wrong number???
Like you aren't sure who you are or what your number is.
Some guy called asking for Joanne. Clearly not being me. He then asked "Joanne Baker?"
Umm no sorry buddy, wrong number.
"Do you raise cats?" Umm definitely NOT me.
"Are you sure?" Pretty sure.
"hmm is your number 480 xxx-xxxx?" Nope not even close.
"Are you sure, I know i dialed it right." Not unless someone switched up the numbers on your phone to be cute, yes I am sure.
"So this isn't Joanne Baker the cat breeder?"
FOR THE LAST TIME WRONG F'N NUMBER!!!!!

Fluffy's revenge!

I had my first interview yesterday and as suggested by the hiring manager we met at a local coffee shop. I arrived about 20 minutes early as I usually do to rule out any risk of me being late. Since the weather is finally under 70 degrees here I decided to wait out front. I noticed a light grey Camry sitting right in front of me with a little dog in it scratching at the window and jumping around inside. I also noticed that not one window was cracked. First thing that came to mind is; what asshole decided to leave his dog in the car while he enjoys a latte???
LEAVE THE DOG AT HOME!!! Lesson people. Dogs do NOT enjoy being out of the house if it means them being locked in a car!! All they do is bark at people passing by and get anxiety!! If you plan on making long stops leave Fluffy at home!!! I am not sure what kind of dog it was but it looked like this guy below. (w/o the outfit of course!)



So after standing there for about 15 minutes a couple with a young daughter come out of the coffee shop and head over to the Camry. Granted I do not speak Spanish, I pretty much was able to gather pretty quickly what the man was saying. As he reaches for the door handle he yells "OH NOOOO!!!" and some other Spanish words. The woman opens the door and yells.
I immediately bust out laughing.
After a few minutes of pacing around shaking his head and the woman yelling "BAD DOG!"
The trunk pops. A roll of paper towels and a trash bag come out...
YES, people Fluffy shit in the car and tracked it all over the seats. Did I mention they had tan cloth seats???
I couldn't help it. I laughed the entire time. The dog ran up to me and started jumping on my leg. I patted her head and said good girl. The guy gave me a dirty look and continued yelling in Spanish.
I looked at the woman as she continued punishing the dog and said "next time you may want to leave the dog at home or at least crack the windows." Of course I received a nasty look and they piled into the car and drove away. Within seconds the guy I was meeting pulled up and all I could think was how badly I wanted to say "GUESS WHAT I JUST WITNESSED?"
My better judgment or as Sister Patterson would say my "third eye" told me it was not interview appropriate.

What have we all learned here?? Sometimes we all get shit on!

Ok who is the smart ass???

Who is the smart ass that posted a comment under the name "google?"
At least be confident enough to use your real name :)

Congrats Hillary!!

I usually make it a rule not to talk politics or religion cause it never turns out good. Since its my blog, I'll do what I want.

GO HILLARY!! And congrats on her New Hampshire win!!
I know there are a lot of Obama fans, and I hope its not cause of Oprah, but I guess yay for you too. I guess anyone is better than Bush at this point.


GO HILLARY!!!!

Why are you matching???

Ummm...
Can someone please explain to me why grown ass adults feel the need to dress like their spouse?? I am talking full on matchy match.
I mean its annoying enough with kids, but adults??? I am talking like in their 40's adults.

Its one thing to be like oh how cute me and my husband both wore blue today, how funny. But to actually have MATCHING Addidas tracksuits. I don't get it.
What is the purpose?? Is it if they forget who they are married to all they have to do is search for their twin? Was there a buy one get one free deal I missed?
I am so confused on this whole thing I am not even sure where I am going with this. All I could do was stare and play out every scenario how this could have happened in my head.
"Hey honey, lets mess with people all day by dressing the same, wouldn't that be funny?"

Please help me understand :(

Dear Santa,

Santa, I hate to sound ungrateful, but I think there was some sort of misunderstanding between us this year.

When I asked for a new body I was sort of referring to my pre-pregnancy body. It wasn't perfect by any means but it worked ok for me. The extra 5 pounds you gave me is really not working so well for me.

My muffin top is not very cute...not at all.
Now I know you put a lot of special thought into my gift but I was wondering if there was anyway I could perhaps exchange it for a slimmer waistline??
I think I was a fairly good girl this past year. I did bring a child into the world, doesn't that count for anything???

I know you are really busy so whenever you can make it by to pick up those 5 pounds and maybe take the additional 20 I am carrying, that would be highly appreciated.

Sincerely,
Jordana

NO WIRE HANGERS!!!!

I am mommy dearest!

I knew I was a little psycho with Stone but I have realized lately that I am mommy dearest.
I am going to be that mom. The one who dresses my kid in full hockey padding when he goes to school so he doesn't suffer any bumps or bruises.
My biggest fear is to be that mother in law. You know, the one my son's wife or my son's life partner (hey you never know) complains about me to all their friends. The one who gives awful gifts at Xmas and gives unwelcomed advice meant to be more of a direct order rather than an opinion.

I realized that I am a little crazy when I tell people who are watching Stone how to feed him. I swear I gave my mom step by step directions on how to make a bottle like I had invented the bottle the night before and are just introducing it to the world. She did raise two kids of her own. Why is it I feel like they didn't have all the cool stuff back then that we have now? It's hard for me to wrap my head around the fact that my mom used the same bottles on me. I will never forget when my dad's girlfriend who is probably almost 60, said oh I used enafamil. Wait, wow they had that then?????

When my friend Paige watched Stone I had to walk her through the whole house explaining every single thing to her. At one point she asked "so the toilet, does it just flush like a normal toilet or is their a special way to do it?" Sadly, I almost responded till I realized she was mocking me.

There are times I even doubt my husband's ability to take care of his own son. I come home with the need to question every movement. "Did he poop?" Is like the key question. I want a full description and a rating.
Ok, let me explain the rating process. Stone had some tummy issues for awhile and was very backed up. After that whole experience I like to track his poops. So I ask for a rating of 1-10. 1 being a fart gone wrong. You know a little wet fart. And 10 being you almost puked while changing a diaper. With the rating I want a full description so we are clear on how successful his poo was. I know it sounds crazy. But when your kid doesn't shit for 2 days, you will use my rating system. Just wait.

The outfits. I swear my husband dresses Stone in the dark. Out of ALL the clothes this kid has, my husband will dress him in the most random thing. Even worse its not even the stuff on top. He has to dig for this shit. If I plan on leaving the house, I change him. Yes, its true. His look is important. You never know when he could be the next Olsen kid....

Oh and did I mention I hate when strangers tough him?? I feel like i need to soak him in Mr. Clean afterwards. Who know where their hands have been. Don't people know boundaries???

I give it about 10 years before I am yelling "NO WIRE HANGERS!!!"

Crap!! Sorry!

Ok folks,
As I read back over my postings I realize I have several typos. Please forgive me. I usually post during my whole 5 minute break I get from poopy diapers and getting pissed on. I will try to read over my blogs a bit better going forward. Try to make sense of my bulls**t and forgive the fact that I am not perfect. ( I know that is a hard pill to swallow!)

Jordana

ANTM??

What is it about America's Next Top Model that you can watch the same seasons over and over again and still be surprised? Is it Tyra's over dramatized eliminations? "There are 2 models left. But I only have one picture in my hands."

My husband asks every time "haven't you seen this episode like 100 times?" "Will you still be surprised?"

Sadly the answer is yes. Cycle 2 is on VH1 right now. They are playing all 9 cycles this week...
It's a sick game. 3 years ago I would have been hungover in bed right now. Not up at 7am after getting up at 4:30 am with my overly excited son. I swear my kid is in the best mood come the morning time. It makes me question if there was a switch at the hospital. My hubby and I are so not morning people. I want to be annoyed, but then Stone does something super cute and it makes it hard to be mad.

He did however shit on my hand today. And well, pissed on the wall and me AGAIN!!!
After awhile piss and shit on you becomes normal. I just laugh. I know I should never change him too soon, especially when he is still giving little pushes. When will I learn??

Anyway, back to ANTM. Go Yoanna, and F Camille.

Also, I added some of my fav links and blogs of friends of mine to my page. Feel free to check them out. They aren't as exciting as mine, but they are good enough to read. Hee heee hee

Startin off the New Year right!!!

Oh hell ya!!
My dreams have come true. Although it appears Miss Tiffany aka New York has gotten herself engaged to Taylor Made (does anyone even know his real name?), I have full confidence it won't last and season 3 is around the corner.
BUT, in the meantime I just found out my 2nd fav reality show ever Rock of Love is back!!! Let the bud light flow and the panties drop! Season 2 starts the 11th!!

Yay!!!